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Columnist getting a case of the 'Cain't Hep Its'

Posted Thursday, May 22, 2008, at 5:11 PM

Human nature has not changed much over the centuries. We get the "want-to's." That is the period of time when we just think about buying that new car. The second stage is called the "bound-to's" that means we are just bound to buy the car. The next step is the most compelling and is called the "cain't hep-it's." We are going down the hill without any brakes. The pen is in hand ready to sign for that new car.

I am getting the "cain't hep-its" about trading my body in for a newer model. Many of my parts have already been changed out, adjusted, replaced or removed and it just seems natural that this would occur.

The truth is if my house or either of my two cars required as much maintenance, attention and time as my body I would divest myself of them. Lately, however, I have been thinking if my body were a car, I would be moving quickly from the "want-tos" to the "bound-to's" and racing like Danica Patrick to the "cain't hep-its."

I have many bumps. There are several scratches and dents. Several scars have been added over the years. The paint is dull and dated. Too many bugs of life have splattered and removed the shiny fresh from the grill. The body work does not have the metallic sparkle and pizzazz of the newer models. The roof exterior upholstery is so thin it has little effect.

My front bumper sticks way out and it is not the same color as the body so it is too obvious. My propulsion chamber is producing more internal gas than the combustion chamber can burn so it is being expelled as unburned fuel. My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once sleek as an Aston Martin but now they look more like an 1950's four-hole Buick. My body is also quite heavy so the miles per gallon are too low for today's prices. My seats are sagging and bumpy. Seat belts? Seat Belts were unknown when my model was manufactured. I tried to install belts once but Krispy Kreme opened a shop in my area and all my resolve went straight to my navel.

Air bags? They were not included on this model unless you consider the bags under my eyes. I have sooooo many miles on my odometer I'm sure my body will have to go to the auction block instead of the preferred used car lot at Hoot and Holler Ford. Sure I've been many places and seen many things, but when is the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation? My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. The dealer said that I should consider getting trifocal headlights.

Traction smaction. It is more difficult to get a good grip on the road than it once was. My whitewall tires are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel burns inefficiently. But here is the worst of it. Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires. Ooops!

Larry Vandeventer grew up north of Calvertville, graduated from Worthington High School and can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or at 6860 Sunrise Drive, Plainfield, Ind., 46168 or by phone at (317) 839-7656. He has written five books about his experiences.

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Love reading your Blogs Larry! If we can't laugh at ourselves we are in for a depressing life.

-- Posted by POP on Fri, May 30, 2008, at 8:22 AM

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