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Wednesday, Aug. 24, 2016

Now that I think about it, I'm unhappy

Posted Friday, August 1, 2008, at 6:40 PM

OK, sometimes I do watch TV in the daytime. I am struck with the advertisements that proliferate before my very eyes to make me unhappy with my life. And they have a product that will correct the problems. All for $19.95?

Have you noticed how many companies sell battery powered chairs? One of the classics is, "And the best part is I got my Hoverround Chair at no cost to me." I recently read of a lawyer who uses such a chair and gets it free. When she heard that insurance companies were scrutinizing those costs and were denying some claims she took deep umbrage and was upset that she would have to buy her own. There is no free lunch, Scooter. Someone has to pay.

Audrey, our 5-year-old granddaughter looked in Gramma Van's mouth and asked, "Why aren't your teeth white like mine?" Gramma clamped her mouth shut and said between her teeth, "Well, when a person like me gets older her teeth tend to become darker."

Advertisers know that older people watch daytime TV so they pepper the air waves with teeth whitening products and all of the models are between 18 and 22 years old with teeth that dazzle like a chandelier in the Ritz Hotel Lobby.

According to the ads insurance companies are the scum of the earth. No, they are the slime trail that slugs leave as they dash across the sidewalk at the blinding speed of one mile per century. "They have lawyers working hard on their side to cheat you out of your rights," intones a serious talking head in a suit. We at 'Nickel, Dime and Then Some' Law firm will fight to get you all the money you deserve. Even though you were driving 60 mph through a school zone while busses were loading, and hit a little old lady on her way to church, and ran through a funeral procession, while ignoring three red lights and plowed through a work zone injuring six workers, and smashed through the front of a Chasm Branch Bank, and your blood alcohol content was 2.3, you did scratch your finger on some of the glass at the bank and you deserve compensation for pain, suffering and loss of services to your wife. Contact us and we will get you the money you deserve. Remember we don't get paid until you get paid."

The thousands of people who are standing by to take my call also impresses me. When I call a company I have to wade through a swamp of options on their automated attendant to get to a person. Why don't they place some of those people out in the stores? I could shoot a cannon in many stores and never hit a sales person. I am going to call one of those people standing by just to chat. Oh, I'll tell them how unhappy I am too.

Larry Vandeventer grew up north of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School. He lives in Plainfield and can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or (317) 839-7656. Write him at 6860 Sunrise Drive, Plainfield, Ind., 46168. He has written five books.

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Where's the Ritz Hotel? I want to check out the lobby.

-- Posted by Paul on Wed, Aug 6, 2008, at 12:19 AM


Have you seen that Hoverround commercial where they put that nice little old lady in her chair, turn it on, and leave her spinning in a backward circle? Elder abuse!

-- Posted by Jack Freeman on Sun, Aug 3, 2008, at 4:27 AM

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