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There are some laws only Barney Fife can understand

Posted Monday, October 20, 2008, at 1:25 PM

There are some universal laws that are only enforced by Barney Fife and the Keystone Cops and I run afoul of them frequently. Just when I think it couldn't get any worse it does. If you remember Barney and the Keystone Cops you are a Geezer. So am I. Let us commence to start.

Footsie's law: When we got home from church last Sunday BW said, "I think I saw a hole in the sole of your shoe."' I looked and she was right. I felt like Adalai Stevenson in 1952. The 13-D wingtip shoes have been with me a long time. I have had them resoled two and maybe three times. This time I decided to put them out to pasture and give them all of the sticky gum they want.

While shopping for replacements I encountered Footsie's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Law of the workshop: When I drop a tool it will land under the bench in the back corner which is adorned with mouse seeds a spider webs. If I am working under the hood of my car and drop a part or a tool it will slither, slide, bounce and clang down in there where I can't see or reach it. It is hard to shake a car to make it fall out. The only good part of this is I haven't worked on a car for many years. They are too complicated. Also when I am working on something and my hands are greasy, my nose always itches or Fort Necessity makes a house call if you know what I mean.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to how stupid I am acting. Admit it. The last time you tripped and fell or almost fell you looked to see if anyone saw you. Have you noticed that in every movie and TV show is someone is trying to move around without being seen, he always stops at the door and scans the area before entering. Why not go on in immediately.

Cheese law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, the company will stop producing it. One of my fond memories of childhood is coming home from town on Saturday with the tradin'. Mom usually bought bologna and longhorn cheese that we abruptly made into sandwiches slathered with sandwich spread. I have liked, I would say love but it is impossible to love an inanimate object, ever since.

People from Worthington would go to the cheese store in Elnora and return with enough cheese to feed an army. I have made that trek. Now however I must make concessions to age and health which means to avoid real cheese. So BW found a substitute that tastes like cheese but is made from tofu and has no cholesterol or fat. I ate it by the ton. Now, however, the store quit stocking it. I am so mad I could eat some real Wisconsin cheese just for spite.

Codicil to Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.

Vandeventer's law: All of the shows on TV that I like are canceled. The one's that I dislike run forever.

Larry Vandeventer grew up north of Calvertville, graduated from Worthington High School and can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or at 6860 Sunrise Drive, Plainfield, Ind., 46168 or by phone at (317) 839-7656.


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Larry, I love reading your column!

-- Posted by TwinsMom on Tue, Oct 21, 2008, at 9:24 PM


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