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It Was Colder Than A Dog's Nose on Your Leg in August

Posted Tuesday, February 3, 2009, at 2:57 PM

Indiana winters are paradoxical. There are cold interludes and then warmer interludes. Old-timers say "We'll pay for this warm weather later." Warm ups are followed by cold downs -- hyperborean times.

Every time we have an extremely cold period disbelievers in global warming crab and berate those scientists and geographers who do. Scoffers say, "Those people are so stupid they think an innuendo is an Italian suppository." Or "Those weather people are so dumb they think the county seat is a public toilet." Or "If this is global warming I'll have none of it."

We struggled out to Kroger during the last Canadian Clipper/snow storm and some of the shelves were as bare as women on the red carpet during the Grammy Awards.

1. It was so cold that I saw a polar bear family in Sprawl-Mart buying winter coats.

2. It was so cold that we brought in the brass monkey last night.

3. It was so cold that Eskimos were asking for foreign aid to buy oil from Texas.

4. It was so cold I saw some penguins wearing real tuxedos.

5. It was so cold that icebergs were going south for the winter.

6. It was so cold that the snowman in the yard was wearing an ankle length down coat.

7. It was so cold that Old Faithful was spewing snow cones.

8. It was so cold that Clifty Falls froze and became a slip and slide.

9. It was so cold that the Titanic came to the surface to get warm.

10. It was so cold that Lady Liberty atop the Soldier's and Sailor's Monument put on snow boots and held her torch close for warmth.

11. It has been so cold that some high school boys actually wore long sleeved shirts and long pants to school.

12. It was so cold that the mercury in my outdoor thermometer turned blue.

13. It was so cold that two bison shipped here from Yellowstone last summer filed papers of extradition to go back.

14. It was so cold that prices on the blubber market tripled last week.

15. It was so cold that the confused crew on the Submarine Deepsea trying to sail under the polar ice cap got stuck near French Lick.

16. Colder than a snowball down your pants

17. Colder than a wet crick rock on your neck in July.

18. Colder than an ice cube sandwich.

19. Colder than home made ice cream that makes your head hurt.

20. Colder than a 1938 Ford sedan in January with no heater.

21. Colder than a principal's stare.

22. Colder than a penguin's feet in the dead of winter.

23. Colder than Pluto being downgraded from planet status.

24. Colder than a mother-in-law's kiss.

25. Colder than a dog's nose on the back of your leg in August

26. Colder than a well digger's lunch around a country schoolhouse in February

If you don't like the weather just wait and it will change. Meanwhile I am sitting here wondering when did all of my wild oats turn into prunes and bran flakes.

Larry graduated from Worthington High School. He lives in Plainfield and can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or (317) 839-7656. Write him at Larry Vandeventer 6860 Sunrise Drive, Plainfield, Ind., 46168. He has written five books.

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"On a Christmas Day

we were mushing our way

over the Dawson trail.

Talk of your cold!

Through the parka's fold

it stabbed like a driven nail.

If our eyes we'd close,

then the lashes froze

till sometimes we couldn't see;

It wasn't much fun,

but the only one

to whimper was Sam McGee."

-Robert W. Service

-- Posted by simmons on Fri, Feb 6, 2009, at 7:01 AM

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