I don't care what people say, bald is not beautiful. Only people with hair like waving prairie grass in Kansas say that. Show me a bald-headed man and I will show you a man who has endured much ridicule.
"Hey baldy," "Hey chrome dome," "Hey onion head," are just a few invectives thrown at those of us who are follicularily challenged. Say it, bald. The word causes the speaker to curl his lip and almost sneer as the word flies past the uvula, slides between the teeth and explodes through the lips.
When babies are born there is endless discussion about how much hair they have. Bald is accepted then as usual but the babies who get the most attention are those with a full head of hair. People spend hours discussing how much hair they have. "He looks just like his father with a full head of hair like that. Oh, I'm sorry, he looks like his mother because his father is bald."
Bowling balls and billiard balls are not necessarily beautiful. They have a utilitarian purpose in the games for which they are used. But beautiful is a word never used to describe them even the colored ones. Now think about the number of times that bald-headed men are described as bald as a billiard ball or a bowling ball. Does that sound like a compliment? Not to me.
All of my life I have heard of bald-faced lies never hairy faced lies or bald-faced truth. The connotation is that there are lies but the worst ones are bald-faced. There is that connection of lies and being bald that is not good. A person with flaws in his character so large that he lies is associated with bald. Not good.
And now let us address the eagle. Imagine the ignominy of a beautiful eagle soaring majestically through the skies, drafting on the up drafts of air, flapping his huge wings representing the outstanding strength of our great nation. Other eagles of lesser size and ambition fly nearby. People look up and say, "Look at the eagles. Oh, look that one is bald. He looks peculiar. Too bad he is bald." They say, "Oh, look at those other eagles with feathers all over their heads. Don't they look grand? It is so sad that the large, vigorous one is bald."
Bald is not beautiful.
If bald is so beautiful why aren't bald tires desirable? I have never heard a guy say, "I am telling you I have four of the baldest tires ever. They are the greatest. And my spare has even less tread. It is beautiful." Have you ever heard the driver of an 18-wheeler brag, "Come here. Let me show you 18 bald tires. They are gorgeous. You can even see the tubes through the tread on my two spares. I went through the inspection station on I-65 down there by Seymour and the state police inspectors gave me a commendation for having the most magnificence bald tires they have ever seen."
The truth is, bald is not beautiful.
Larry Vandeventer grew up north of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School. He lives in Plainfield and can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or 317-839-7656. Write him at Larry Vandeventer 6860 Sunrise Drive, Plainfield, Ind., 46168. He has written five books.