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Tuesday, Aug. 30, 2016

My assets are covered

Posted Thursday, March 25, 2010, at 3:12 PM

I read recently about people who have insured parts of their anatomy against loss. That made me think about what I have to insure.

Some of you are old enough to remember Betty Grable; a hottie in Tinseltown in the 1940s and 1950s. Yes, I admit having Grable fantasies. The most famous picture of her spectacular legs is in a swimming suit from the back as she looked fetchingly over her shoulder -- she was great with child at the time. I have an image of it that will never dim. She reportedly insured her legs for a million dollars.

Heidi Klum one of the world's supermodels of today and in the Grable tradition has insured her legs for $2.2 million; her right one for 1.2 mill and her left for 1 mill because it has a small scar.

Many of you remember Welshman Tom Jones, a sexy singer of the 1960s and 1970s. Female fans screamed frenetically as they threw hotel keys and undergarments on the stage. They had visions and hallucinations of how it would be to spend quality time with him in the amore department if you know what I mean. They fantasized hoping that he would show up later in the evening to spend time locking lips and inciting and relieving passions. After his record sales plummeted and he was no longer a hot item on radio and television he went to Vegas where he has performed for several decades. He reportedly insured his chest hair for $7 million. Chest hair!

Dolly Parton has also insured a part of her anatomy for $800,000. I don't even have to tell you what part. For you who may not know it is her enhancements in her thorax. She is noted for saying, "When I see something sagging, bagging or dragging, I get it fixed." That is obvious. She hardly looks like the girl we saw singing with Porter Waggoner on the Grand Old Opry Stage more than 30 years ago.

Michael Flately brought a frenzied dance performance called Riverdance to the American scene a few years ago. Dozens of dancers dazzled us with Irish jigs and reels and clogging moves. I do not know how people could do such spectacular moves. They truly had flying feet. He insured his feet for a cool $39 million.

Not to be outdone by those folks I had my insurance agent, Paul NoPay, write a policy to insure my spectacular legs and feet for $2.50. I did win the legs contest at Connersville High School in the 1970s and what are legs without feet. I also insured my magnificent chest with its piliferous exotic hair for $3. Since Indy International Airport uses my shiny pilgarlic head for a landing light it is insured for $10. The Calvertville Restaurant Association members voted my prodigious nose and taste buds number one in the Taste Calvertville Festival so they are insured for $5. Now I rest easy at night knowing my assets are protected. My annual premium is a dime but I am hoping the president's health plan will cover it.

Larry grew up North of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School. He lives in Plainfield and can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or (317) 839-7656. Write him at Larry Vandeventer 6860 Sunrise Drive, Plainfield, Ind., 46168. He has written five books.

Showing comments in chronological order
[Show most recent comments first]

hahaha! This is your best one yet!

-- Posted by acutabove on Thu, Mar 25, 2010, at 6:54 PM

To quote Larry the cable guy. I don't care who you are, this blog is funny!

I do think big noses should be worth much than you have yours insured for.

-- Posted by Wiglund on Thu, Mar 25, 2010, at 11:27 PM

Sorry Larry, There should be a "more" between the much and the than.

-- Posted by Wiglund on Fri, Mar 26, 2010, at 2:55 AM

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