It is time to dust off my annual praise-a-thon on the wonders of crabgrass.
The weather has been so hot and dry for the last three weeks that I haven't mowed the yard. Yesterday I trimmed it with the push mower. What was growing tall and green, vigorous and stalwart? Crabgrass. The rest of the yard was wilted or brown.
What is wrong with crabgrass? What has caused it to be looked upon with such disdain? Does crabgrass have any redeeming qualities?
Why was this particular grass given the name crabgrass? Have you ever heard it grousing, complaining and being crabby? Have you ever seen a crab feeding on this grass? I am here to convince you that it manifests many desirable qualities.
First, crabgrass is self-sufficient, a quality that most humans admire and strive to attain. No one knows where crabgrass originated. It just appears. No one has to plant it or tend it. It takes care of itself. It supplies all of its needs without any contributions from humans. It arrives early and stays late. It should be titled CEO (Crabgrass Executive Officer.)
Second, crabgrass is tenacious, hearty, strong and task-oriented. It stays on the job. It is focused. Crabgrass grows anywhere and everywhere. If you had an employee that exhibited those qualities, he would rise to the top of the organization.
Third, crabgrass is so Herculean that a drought or flood cannot knock it out and it prevents soil erosion. It is more hearty, luxuriant and persistent than Kentucky bluegrass and all other yard grasses. Why are these inferior grasses looked upon with more favor?
I believe that horticulturists, agricultural agents, herbicide companies, grass seed companies and lawn mower manufacturers have colluded through donations to PACS; a despicable plot to ruin the reputation of crabgrass. Those companies and legislators have sold their souls to those trying to eradicate crabgrass.
These same manufacturers have convinced Americans that they must fertilize, herbicide, dethatch, roll, aerate, spray, clip, fold, spindle and mutilate their lawns. Of course, they just happen to sell the equipment and materials to complete those tasks. How convenient! I am proud to state that I have never done any of those things to my yard. My motto is "If it doesn't grow, I don't have to mow."
Today, I am mounting a campaign to save crabgrass. The slogan will be P.E.T.O.C (People for the Ethical Treatment of Crabgrass). Grass has rights! I am convicted that what we are seeing is the greatest act of discrimination ever perpetrated on a living thing. If this mudslinging campaign is allowed to continue unabated, it will be the end of grass, as we know it. Be assured that I am in this campaign for the long haul not for instant grassification.
I plead for concerned citizens everywhere to stop being a pain in the grass and join my campaign. I can't do it on my own. I need your help and financial support. If I do not receive substantial contributions from all of you soon, I might be called home. Probably to mow the lawn. Please send all contributions to L.D. Vandeventer, Plainfield, Ind. (BW, Treasurer)
(A personal request. I am searching for a picture of the Calvertville School)
Larry grew up north of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School. He lives in Plainfield and can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or (317) 839-7656. Write him at 6860 Sunrise Drive, Plainfield, Ind., 46168. He has written five books.