It is time to talk about the dry weather in central Indiana. It is so dry:
* The birds are only allowed to take spit baths in our bird bath.
* The camels in the Indy Zoo have asked for a transfer to the Sahara Desert where is not so dry.
* Fish are lining up to buy bottle water at Wal-Mart.
* Farmers cut hay at 9 a.m. and bale it at 10 a.m.
* High school football games have been called off on account of dryness.
* All of the Indy Zoo has been converted to a desert biome.
* The mosquito population has been decimated. Those that are left are now on social security, welfare, disability or unemployment benefits.
* It is drier than a six-day seminar on how a circa 1867 barn hinge works.
* BW took a load of wet laundry out to the pergola, held it up and it dried instantly.
* Audley tried to paint his garage but the paint dried on the brush before he could apply it.
* The Goose Pond down by Beehunter has changed into the Greene County Dust Bowl.
* Elzy turned on his garden hose and dust came out.
* It is drier than President Obama's messages on how he plans to improve the economy.
* The Red Neck Muddy Gras is being held this weekend in what used to be Lake Monroe.
* Elmo's nails are so dry they break continually. Not his fingernails, the ones he was using to re-roof his house.
* Amsey tried to weed his garden but the ground was so dry sparks flew off the hoe and set the grass on fire.
* The elephant keepers at the Indy Zoo are using industrial strength oil rendered from the blubber of 14 blue whales to soften parched pachyderm hides and ease their pain.
* Migrating cranes flying over Hendricks County have to bring their own lunch and water to survive the flight.
* Home plate umpires at the Indian games welcome bellicose managers who stomp, curse and yell in nose-to-nose protests just to enjoy the spray.
* Seven spiders have taken up residence in my rain gauge. I haven't had to grease the bearing in the gauge since July 20.
* Revlon has introduced a new appliance for use in beauty salons called a "hair wetter."
* One of our evergreen shrubs has turned into an everbrown.
* Plainfield has outsourced its water utility to a New Orleans Cajun Company that uses pirogues to tow icebergs from Iceland to New Orleans, to the Mississippi, the Ohio, the Wabash and the White River then trucks it in from Indy. The price of water has gone up to $125/gallon.
* Residents are being encouraged to take group showers with the city of Indianapolis.
* Maple syrup producers in Parke County are using a radical new process to tap the roots of maple trees to extract pure syrup.
* We are picking sun dried tomatoes off the plants. We have to inject them with water before we slice them.
Larry grew up north of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School. He lives in Plainfield and can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or (317) 839-7656. Write him at 6860 Sunrise Drive, Plainfield, Ind., 46168. He has written five books.