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Mr. President: Can I be the Clothing Czar?Posted Monday, September 20, 2010, at 12:56 PM
President Obama and President Bush before him appointed Czars to perform certain duties. They include Energy Czar, Banking Czar and my all-time favorite Car Czar. Humbly I suggest that there is yet another czar to be appointed: Clothing Czar.
I am appalled by what people, men and women, wear and don't wear today. But alas I have no authority to challenge wearing apparel so I must bite my tongue and zip my lips. I have often wanted to yell at people, "Don't you have any mirrors in your house? Did you even glance at yourself in the mirror before you left the house? I'm sure if you had you would not have worn that outfit!"
I humbly ask the president to appoint me as Clothing Czar and I promise that the visual pollution that plagues our nation because of fashion fax pas will be addressed forthwith with alacrity and adroitness. Under my administration I promise a new day will dawn when the people of this nation will no longer be subjected to the glaring fashion errors that cause much distress to those forced to view such travesties.
People will be required to receive apparel permits and those permits must be carried on their person at all times like a driver's license. People must have approval before they can be seen in public in certain garments: Spandex, short shorts, swimming suits, mini skirts and dresses, ripped clothing, sagging britches, clothing owned since before the turn of the 19th century and clothing that is too small or large. The Czar will have the authority to appoint a Board of Review if citizens wish to challenge his decision. And then there are some people who could be awarded a life membership and a free pass for making clothing decisions.
Remember in the 1960s when hem lines ascended. Females suddenly began to show as much of their bodies as possible and many showed possible sometimes by accident. Rules were written on skirt lengths, i.e., the hem must be no higher than two inches above the knee; girls would be required to kneel on the floor and the skirt must touch the floor. Some girls were exempt from working math problems on the chalkboard because the problems were too tall for their skirts. Females, here is a quick rule: When you sit if you feel compelled to fold both your arms on top of your legs to hide your underwear or to maintain some decorum or if you feel compelled to continually tug on your skirt to cover yourself it is too short.
Some men wear clothes so ugly they look like the leftovers from the undertaker after a rag picker's fire sale. Shirtless men would be banned as well as wife beater undershirts or those shirts with the arm pits that reach down to the waist. Come on guys. Give us a break. There are only one or two guys per county that look good in that shirt. This would be a huge responsibility but I am cut from the bolt of leadership material. It "seams" obvious to me that I can cut it.
Larry grew up north of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School. He lives in Plainfield and can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or (317) 839-7656. Write him at 6860 Sunrise Drive, Plainfield, Ind., 46168. He has written five books.
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