I did not plan to write a column on New Year's resolutions this year. It is a cliché column and everybody does it. Plus, after so many years of writing what can be said that is new and meaningful.
Then I read Steve's column in the Daily Groaner and he inspired me to slide out the keyboard on my Compaq Presario 6000 and get to work.
Technologically astute and erudite readers will recognize that my computer is getting long in the tooth. Geeks and Nerds would laugh me to scorn for using such an ancient piece of technological junk. After all it is eight years old and that is about 45 in dog years. But I plod on.
Look in the dictionary or some other reference book and you will find that a New Year's Resolution is a commitment that a person makes to do something or not do something and make a lifestyle change that would make his or her life better.
The problem is that many resolutions require changes in routine and habits that long ago wrapped their tentacles around us and are harder to get rid of than a summer rash on a fat guy's thighs he got from walking and detasseling corn for Frederick Sloan.
If you have decided to make one or more resolutions this year you may need the help of a consultant who knows plenty about such things -- me. With my tongue planted firmly in my cheek I have taken the liberty to generate a list of commitments to prime your pump. If you select some of these it is highly likely that you will be able to keep them.
1. Plan to order the KFC Double Down sandwich every time you visit; two fillets of chicken, two pieces of bacon and two slices of cheese. No bun.
2. Read less and watch television more hours every day.
3. Go barefooted in the winter time.
4. Increase my credit card debt by at least twice.
5. Become a black belt in couch potato.
6. Install a rear end in a recliner for at least eight hours each day.
7. Increase my waist line at least two more inches striving for four.
8. Rethink that exercise strategy. Who needs it? Let it go.
9. Eat out more, cook less and less.
10. Go to the Kohl's or Penney's sales at least three times each week.
11. Plan to hit most of the yard sales every Thursday.
12. Procrastinate more. Starting next week.
13. Eat all of the Christmas chocolate by Valentine's Day and then replenish the supply.
14. Load the trunk of your car with 36,000 watts of loud speakers and play polka music in traffic.
15. Engage Mr. Clean to perform an exorcism in the refrigerator by removing the Thanksgiving turkey carcass, Christmas ham bone and the moldy cheese ball.
16. Buy more clothes at Goodwill and Fred's Clothing Store where you pay by the pound and stuff them into your closet.
Those ideas should get you started. My work here is finished. Happy New Year.
Larry grew up north of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State University. He can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or (317) 839-7656. Write him at 6860 Sunrise Drive, Plainfield, Ind., 46168. He has written five books.