Recently I watched a television program on the History Channel that discussed the top 100 inventions of all times in chronological order.
The list is most revealing about what people of today feel is vital. It is important that you realize that those who compiled the list were arbitrary and capricious. They stated that the No. 1 invention of all time is the smart phone, hereinafter referred to as SP. The list must have been compiled by a group of teenagers and those who are addicted to SPs and the myriad of progeny begat by them. I am so dumb I don't even own a SP.
I borrowed a SP from a teenager who lives down the street and tried to use it to mow my yard last week and failed miserably. I concluded that a lawn mower is more important to me than a SP. As things eventuate, however, such an app is probably being developed. BW was out distributing some of our discretionary income to needy merchants of the community in an effort to boost the economy when she discovered her car had a flat tire. She called and moaned, "What can I do?" I replied in my best snarky voice, "Just use your SP to change it." "Really," she perked, "how do I do that?" "You can't," I smirked. She is so gullible some times. I had to go use the car jack and rescue her. That SP was useless compared to the jack.
Yesterday my mind was in the gutter most of the day. It was my day for annual gutter and downspout maintenance. I hate that job. I used a hammer, power drill, screwdriver, two hands, a stepladder, roofing and nails and deck screws. The first day I took BW's phone out to the yard, held it up and waited. Nothing. An SP is absolutely worthless when it comes to gutters and downspouts.
We have had a microwave oven for more than 30 years and use it multiple times every day. At lunch yesterday I removed some scrumptious leftovers from the General Electric spring-house and placed them on the counter. Then I held BW's SP next to them for warming. Nothing happened. The big bagel. I called Rachel Ray and she talked to the food. Zip. Zero. I had to nuke them. Which is more important? I think you know. Smart Phones are completely stupid in heating leftover food.
I run things around my house: The dishwasher, the garbage disposal, the washer and dryer, the dust mop, the vacuum sweeper and an old-fashioned string mop. You know what is coming next. If a SP is so smart and useful why can't I relegate those duties to it? Need I say more? If congressman Weiner had been half as smart as my string mop he would not have been using his SP to display his ... well never mind.
Smart Phones are just plain dumb and inept in most of life's vital applications. I rest my case.
Larry grew up north of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State University. He can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or 317-839-7656. Write him at 6860 Sunrise Drive, Plainfield, Ind., 46168. He has written five books.