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Wednesday, Aug. 24, 2016

I'll take some fries, shake with my out-patient surgery

Posted Thursday, March 1, 2012, at 2:05 PM

I am confused. BW would say sarcastically, "What else is new?" Well I am. Here is the problem.

To have a procedure called in-patient surgery you must be inside and if you have out-patient surgery it seems reasonable to assume that you must be outside. Wrong! You also must be inside. See? Doesn't it seem natural if you have out-patient surgery you must be outside? Then when the out-patient surgery is completed inside you are released to go outside but to have the results of the out-patient surgery checked you must return inside. See the enigma?

Another thing, if you have in-patient surgery it seems that the doctor should put something inside you. The doctor might say, "I see that your 'whatsit' is not doing very well so I am going to put this 'whatsit' regulator in to regulate it. Or, your hernia has become a problem so I am going to put a 'himia' in to make it all better."

Now in antipode if you have out-patient surgery something should be removed or taken out. Doesn't that sound reasonable? Doctor Sue Chur might say, "Now he is sedated, I'm going to take his 'Thingy that isn't working properly' out and then his 'whatsit' should work more better don't you know."

I apologize for using all of these technical medical terms but it is necessary to insure effective communication. I have a solution for this dilemma.

There is a burger chain in California with the unlikely name of "In and Out" burgers. I assume you go in and place an order, receive quick service and you are out the door in no time. I wonder if that concept might be married to a surgical unit like M*A*S*H. Surgeons would have to be members of the AMA and the Meat Cutters Union.

I can see the sign now. "In and Out Surgery. Three surgeons on duty, no waiting. Your spleen removed in less than three minutes or there is no charge." Or, "We strip your varicose veins, lube and service your heart and check the bile in your liver served with a free order of fries all within 30 minutes or you get a free hair transplant." Or, "Today's special is a BOGO buy one hip transplant and get the second one free with a complimentary soft drink." Or, "Today only, a free milkshake and cookie with every spleenectomy."

I can hear Freddie Achin place his order, "I'll take the tonsillectomy with fries and a coke and while you are at it I'll take the adenoidectomy with a salad and rollup."

Each time I have had out-patient surgery I had to go in and provide information on several sheets of paper which they checked meticulously especially the part about insurance coverage and then they performed the out-patient surgery. However, I had to stay in for long periods of time as they observed my reaction to the out procedure before acquiescing and releasing me to go out from my out-patient surgery.

It makes me all swimmy headed, Mr. Dillon.

Larry grew up north of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State University. He can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or (317) 839-7656. He has written six books.

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