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Be thankful your parents were not in show business

Posted Thursday, April 19, 2012, at 2:23 PM

Names are important. "What is your name," is one of the first things we ask from a person in the getting-to-know stage. They identify us and they often describe us to others. I read with some interest some of the names that show biz people have hung around the necks of their children. Most people do not like their names.

There is a profusion of names about nature and fruit such as "Apple", "Seraphim Rose" and "Violet." I can hear the kids at school chanting, Apple, Apple rotten to the core.

How about "Poppy Honey Rosie" and "Daisy Boo?" Come on now. How much wacky tobaccy were they smoking when they chose those names?

Then I heard "Petal Blossom Rainbow", "Buddy Bear" and "Sierra Sky." I was appalled with "Heaven Rain", "Hot Chocolate" and "Harlow Winter." Don't forget "Willow Sage" and "Sparrow James Midnight" and the lovable "Willow Reign", "Bear Blu", "Haven" and "Bing" and I don't mean Crosby whose real name was Harry. More of my nonfavorites include "Bronx Mowgli," "Zuma Nesta Rock," "Pilot Inspector" and "Jordie Song." I don't understand any of those names and beyond that why would anyone with one eye and half sense hang those albatrosses around the necks of babies.

This inspired me to begin thinking about names that could be drawn from occupations, conditions, events, and situations for the next generation of babies by everyday folks we know.

How about a person involved in painting. He could name his children "Paint Pan," "Roller," "Brushes," "Drop Cloth," and the memorable "Wet Paint."

Let's see, how about an over-the-road truck driver? What could he choose? "Semi," "18-Wheeler," "Truck Stop," "Diesel Fuel," or "Oly Aginous" (oily) and the very descriptive "Miles Per Hour." I almost forgot "Dead Head," "Loading Dock," and "Weigh Station."

A writer could name his children, "Gram Mar," "Ed It," "Dead Line," "Peara Graph," "Tome," "Novel Idea," "Plot," "Proof Reader," "Pro Tagonist," and "Aunt Tagonist." And the best known character I know is "Re Ject Ed." I have been turned down more times than the bedspread in a cheap motel.

A person in the medical field has many options to choose from. How about a name for a girl such as "Cyst" or "Goil," and "Boil" for a boy." Other selections could come from "Pal Pate", "Fever", "Athlete Foot", "N. Fection," "Gastric Acid", "Appen Dectomy", "Connie Sti Pation" and the opposite "Di Reah."

Farmers have a veritable fount of selections. How about "Loam," "Tractor," "Cull Ti Vator," "John Dear," "Clara Combine," "Pes T. Cide," "Herb I. Cide," "Fertile Liza", "Hay Baler," "Ellie Vator," "Spark Plug," "Cy Low," "Cy Lage" and "Power Take Off." I like those.

A profession dear to my heart is public education. There is a prodigious list of possibilities in the field such as "Tar Dee," "Home Work," "X Am," "Bea Quiet," "Listen Up Now," "Belle Ringer," "Nip Duh," (No Public Display of Affection), "Hall Way Pass," and from the cafeteria, "Mac Cheese," "Frenchy Fry," and "Miss Terri Meat."

For some reason Larry Don isn't awful.

Larry grew up north of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State University. He can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or (317) 839-7656. He has published six books.



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By Larry Vandeventer
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