There is a never-ending deluge of instructions on products today. These instructions are provided because some "smerkelhead" has tried to use the product in the way the warnings advise against.
The basic ideas for this column came in over the transom via the Internet and I have no source for them. The comments are mine but the main ideas were supplied by someone else. If I knew that person's name he or she would be credited.
Sears puts a warning on some hairdryers "Do not use while sleeping." [That is the best time for me to use a hair dryer because both of my hands are free. Sometimes the pillow gets in the way.]
Swanson Company frozen dinners warn -- "Serving suggestions: Defrost." [What a radical idea! This is just a thought, Americans, who seem to be running all the time and do not have time to heat and eat could slice and eat it as a frozen dinner on a stick.]
Teson Tiramisu desserts have a warning printed on the bottom of the package -- "Do not turn upside down." [That reminded me of a coarse anecdote from my past used to denigrate others when one would say, "He is so stupid he could not pour ... out of a boot with the directions printed on the bottom of the sole at the toe.]
On the Marks and Spencer bread pudding is written, "Product will be hot after heating." [Visualize a snoodle-brained guy who heated this product then ate it, burned his tongue, lips and uvula and sued for damages. I'll bet he won the case.]
The Rowenta Iron Company feels it necessary to print on the packing for its irons "Do not iron clothes on body." [I recall one time I asked BW to run the iron over my tie while I wore it. As she approached my face with the iron as I was hovering over the ironing board I reared back, stretched the tie and it was ruined. Perhaps this warning has credibility.]
On Boots Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." [How many children are driving earth movers, cherry pickers and 18 wheelers?]
On Nytol sleep aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." [Excuse me for being Mr. Obvious here but isn't that the reason one takes Nytol? If not, the company has spent millions of dollars on advertisement for nothing.]
On Sainsbury peanuts -- "Warning: Contains nuts." [Really!]
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts." [Now just a minute here. That is too complicated. How do they expect the average person to be able to understand. Surely there are classes at the junior college to train people how to open the packet and then eat the nuts and to counsel those who eat package and all.]
On Swedish chainsaw and you know which one -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." [Is this a problem? If so you should not be allowed near a chainsaw or outside without adult supervision. I suggest that you use your leg or foot.]
The reason these instructions are printed is to prevent litigation because some "doofas" somewhere has done all of these things. And some of them are out there driving in your community.
Larry grew up North of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State University. He can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or (317) 839-7656. He has published six books.