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Friday, Aug. 26, 2016

The Eyes Have it - Again

Posted Thursday, May 24, 2012, at 2:04 PM

E-Day At 7:20 we entered the lair of Dr. Laser Ray in Indy.

1st stop - Sign in waited.

2nd stop - a technician hoisted a five gallon container with a hose and shot both my eyes with a quick squirt like weed killer on her lawn. Fluid ran down my chest, legs and filled my shoes. She used a light as bright as those searchlights once used at carnivals to attract crowds. I signed more paperwork.

3rd stop - Back to the waiting room, then to another room; checked again; a fire hose doused my eyes again; signed more papers. Dr. Ocular Ossip, the first floor optometrist, examined my eyes. Back to the waiting room.

4th stop - a technician took me upstairs to the holy of holies operating room. I signed more papers and waited.

5th stop - I was ushered into the sanctum sanctorum or so I thought, where Dr. Laser Ray lurks. Another nurse took my blood pressure; signed more forms. Waited.

6th stop -- Then I was led into the inner most, sanctum sanctorum and was instructed by the nurse, "Put your feet in the stirrups and relax." "Wait a minute," I blurted, "That is not why I am here." Composing herself, she checked the paperwork and said, "I am sorry, place your chin on the cup holder and press your forehead on the bar." I then gripped handles like a WW II periscope. She shot my eyes full of battery acid or something akin to it. Abruptly the room was filled with the sound of an orchestra playing Thus Spake Zarathustra and through the mist and fog I saw him coming down the hall. Silhouetted by a kleig light he came holding what looked like a piece of an aluminum baseball bat. "Just relax," he crooned, "Now which eye am I to remove today, the right or left?"

A nurse with biceps the size of Arnold Swartzenegger in his prime stepped behind me and put my head in a grip that would have smashed a cannon ball. Then Dr. Laser shoved the open end of that bat into my eye isolating my eyeball from all of its ocular normality. The music stopped and he began to hum the soundtrack form Nightmare On Elm Street starring Freddie Krueger. His hands morphed into Edward Scissorhand-like hedge trimmers and he clipped and snipped sounding like the clickety-clack of train wheels. Hours dragged by as he clipped, prodded, scraped and sanded my eye while humming the Phantom of The Opera.

Actually it took him about 10 seconds to complete the job. This could have been done at a drive-through window.

7th stop - there is in fact yet another inner inner mostest sanctuminous sanctorum where Dr. Laser does his most serious work. I didn't get there this time.

8th stop - I was ushered back to the waiting room. After a time I was ushered into another examination room where I signed more papers and was examined again by Dr. Ocular Ossip who decreed I was ready to leave.

9th stop - I was ushered to the most important place in the building -- check out and pay the money place. We left at about 9:30.

10th stop - lunch at McAllister's Deli. I don't know about your house but when we leave the house the kitchen is closed down for the next 24 hours -- minimum -- and we eat out.

Larry Vandeventer grew up north of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State University. He can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or (317) 839-7656. He has published six books.

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