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Wednesday, Aug. 24, 2016

Survey says? Don't take the survey!

Posted Tuesday, June 19, 2012, at 2:13 PM

Women magazines often print a relationship survey. Topics are broached such as, "How to tell if your significant other is cheating on you," "Is your marriage on solid or shaky ground," "Does your husband love professional football more than he loves you," "If an old college friend visits would your husband take him to Hooters or a meeting of the local garden club?" Plus, "How can you tell if you will be celebrating another wedding anniversary this year?"

Those surveys make me queasy. They make me sweat like the last rooster in the pen when he hears that the preacher is coming for Sunday dinner and the Missus is going to fix fried chicken. They are always about relationships with men. You never see those kinds of surveys in Field and Stream or Guns and Ammo. If those magazines would contain a survey it would read something like this: If Earl wore a white outfit after Labor Day to the Annual Possum Hunt and Gravy Making Camp, what would be an appropriate way to approach him: (a) Say nothing because you know how sensitive he is about his appearance, (b) Surreptitiously spill a quart of possum gravy on his outfit and turn the hounds loose on him, (c) Gather a bunch of guys in a circle and laugh at him, (d) Enter him in the Muddy Gras swamp buggy race.

Most of those faux quizzes are not realistic. They ask such questions as "Do you tuck love notes in his lunch box so all the guys at work will know how much you love him?" Or "Does he draw you a bath, sprinkle it with rose petals, light candles and bring you a carafe of Champaign and then murmur sweet nothings in your ear while washing your back and scrubbing your corns with a loofa?"

I have some more realistic types of questions for the women to answer. In the grand scheme of things they seem to get to the core of relationships faster.

Your husband bought you a black lace negligee, size 4. Would you exchange if for: (a) a blue flannel Mother Hubbard nightie, size 14, (b) A new toaster oven, (c) A massage at Madge's Massage Parlor, Bait Shop and Taxidermy Store, (d) a gift certificate at the Ben and Jerry's ice cream emporium.

Then I have types of questions for men to answer. Your wife asks, "Am I as attractive as when we first met?" How do you answer? (a) In what context do you ask, (b) Yeah, I guess so, (c) You are prettier than Susie Swamp Woman, (d) More so; all those lines on your face give you character.

The survey is always graded. Each correct answer is five points and your score is plotted on a graph. I have never won this game. Men, listen to me. If your wife says she wants to fill out such a survey with you run fast and run far; find something to do in the garage or go under the house because you thought you heard an alligator grunting there.

I'll be there straight away, BW, have you seen my loofa?

Larry grew up north of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State University. He can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or 317-839-7656. He has published six books.

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