The Olympics are being held in London. And many days the weather has been raining and stormy. I wonder how glorious that must feel. Every four years I vow that I will not become consumed with watching the highly repetitious events but each time I fail. There is something compelling about the event.
However, there are some events that I do not understand why they are included. There is no reason in this world why ribbon flipping and swirling is an Olympic sport. I have tried to understand and appreciate why attaching a long ribbon to a small stick and then twirling it around is a sport. Come on now. No one outside the Orient has ever won or placed in the event. I have no interest in watching nubile, pre-teen girls twirling ribbons like USA kids twirl sparklers on July 4. Who cares? Dump it.
Did you watch the two man canoe races? Here is the deal. The Brits spent millions of pounds on creating a water sluice way that would only be found on the Colorado River or at a theme park. It is constructed of concrete with fake rocks in it and other constrictions that create white water rafting conditions. Two guys in a kayak work their way from the top to the bottom while battling the water and passing through some gates. And it would have been better if you died at birth if you should touch a gate with any part of your body or the paddle. When such a foul occurs the announcers screech like a bull elephant who just stepped on a tongue stud dropped by Mick Jagger. If speed is the goal, get those gates out of the way and let the paddlers paddle straight down and the whole soiree would be over in seconds. Dump it.
The funniest event in the entire gold rush is walking. Have you ever seen the walkers? The participants are always men. And the rules say the heel must touch the ground first. Why? Because if it didn't they would be running. The best way I can describe a group of tall gangly men engaged in the walking event is they walk like they are constipated. They grimace, their arms writhe about, their legs move like a robot with arthritis and their butts wiggle in such a way that makes Rihanna green with envy. Sally Rand and Gypsy Rose Lee would blush with jealousy. Another way to describe how they look is they look like a bunch of men who have "dire rear" and are desperately looking for Ft. Necessity. They can hardly walk. You know the walk: you hold your breath gasping a bit, walk gently so as not to jar something loose, your arms try to lift your body to ease the inner turmoil and pain. A recent camera crew filmed and recorded a group of walkers and their conversations. The pervading words heard were, "Where is Ft. Necessity," and "Does anyone know where the loo is" and "I'm glad I am leading because the view doesn't change much if you are behind me." Dump it. Oops! A faux pas.
Larry Vandeventer grew up North of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State University. He can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or 317-839-7656. He has published six books.