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Men Beware The Marriage Test

Posted Friday, December 28, 2012, at 3:00 PM

Men, I have some advice for you and as I always say the two best things about advice are: (1) It is free and, (2) You don't have to take it.

If your wife is reading a woman's magazine and asks, "Honey, I am reading a marriage test in Woman's Afternoon. Let's take it?" Run as if you just stole the crown jewels form the tower of London or your pants are on fire and you are headed for the pond or as if you have the worst case of "Dire Rear" you have ever had in your life and you are headed to Ft. Necessity.

Nothing good will happen if you agree. You will sucked into a quicksand of disaster that will suck you down faster than a 600 foot octopus in the water just off the coast of the Dry Tortugas.

"Fee Male" magazines are stuffed with wondrous ideas on how to make lampshades or knit a shawl for a Vietnamese Pot Bellied Pig or making Christmas decorations out of empty rolls from toilet paper. One of their favorite topics is the marriage test. They gush asking, "Does he draw your bath and light scented candles and drop rose petals in the scented water then massage your neck while crooning love songs from the 1950s?" "Does he leave love notes on your pillow before going to work?" "Do you tuck love notes written on paper you made yourself from newspapers and cloth saved from discarded underwear into his briefcase or lunchbox?" Here is a better test of marriage:

To be answered by women:

1. Your husband bought you a black lace negligee, size six. Would you exchange if for: (a) a blue flannel Mother Hubbard nightie, size 18 or (b) a new toaster?

2.There is a very young blonde voice on the telephone wanting to speak to your husband. Would you say: (a) "Could you call back? He's busy bathing our six adorable children," or (b) "You'll have to wait a minute. He's applying Preparation H."

To be answered by men:

1. Your wife asks, "Am I as attractive as when we first met?" Do you answer (a) "Yeah, I guess so," or (b) "More so. All those lines give your face character."

2. Your wife loans you the Taste section of the Indianapolis Star, saying "You must read this article by Ogler Stare on topless restaurants called Breastaurants" Do you: (a) read the article, then return it, saying "That is gross." or (b) skim the Star article, then become engrossed in a feature on the rehabilitation of Montana buffalo at the Miami Zoo leaving her nothing to read but a sixteen page flyer on sale priced Amish farming tools.

Now: Give yourself five points for each (a) answer and one for each (b) answer. Add and combine your scores.

* 15 -- 20 you will probably be together another thirty years. Isn't that peachy?

* 4 -- 14 you need an outside interest.

Have you tried creating memorable holiday centerpieces out of pineapple rinds? Perhaps you could go for a makeover at Geri Ann's Hair Emporium, Tanning Salon and Veterinarian/Taxidermy shop whose motto is "Either way you get your dog back."

Larry grew up North of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State U. -- four times. He can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or 317-839-7656.



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