Indiana winters are paradoxical. If you don't like the weather just wait and it will change. There are cold interludes and then warmer interludes. I say that while sitting here wondering when did all of my wild oats turn into prunes and bran flakes.
Old timers say "We'll pay for this warm weather later." Warm-ups are followed by cold downs that would make an Inuit (Eskimo) weep. We struggled out to Kroger during the last Canadian Clipper/snow storm and some of the shelves were as bare as women on the red carpet during the Grammy Awards.
All of the TV stations in Indy found it necessary to send their crack news teams out in the snow when the first two flakes fluttered. They reported, "It is snowing. See that white fluffy stuff. That is snow. I know because I am a reporter and I know snow when I see it."
What a revelation. No one would have known without that blast of information. Then they trek through the snow to the city and state transportation barns and gush over the mayor's report of how many trucks are plowing the streets and how many tons of salt and sand are in storage.
Here are a few expressions of how cold it has been the last few days where I live.
1. It was so cold that I saw a polar bear family in Sprawl-Mart buying winter coats.
2. It was so cold that we brought in the brass monkey last night.
3. It was so cold that Eskimos were asking for foreign aid to buy oil from Texas.
4. It was so cold I saw some penguins wearing real tuxedos.
5. It was so cold that icebergs were going south for the winter.
6. It was so cold that the snowman in the yard was wearing an ankle length down coat.
7. It was so cold that Clifty Falls froze and became a slip and slide.
8. It was so cold that conversations froze in the air and could not be heard.
9. It was so cold that Lady Liberty atop the Soldier's and Sailor's Monument put on snow boots and held her torch close for warmth.
10. It was so cold that the strippers at the Golden Doubloon only removed their coats.
11. It was so cold that the mercury in my outdoor thermometer turned blue.
12. Colder than home-made ice cream that gives you brain freeze.
13. Colder than Pluto being downgraded from planet status.
14. Colder than a dog's nose on the back of your leg in August
15. Colder than the heart of the president of the gun owners association in Colorado who said after the Sandy Hook massacre of innocents, "I suppose they will stack those dead children up and use them to try to change the constitution."
16. Colder than the heart of the man who shouted, "The second amendment" as the weeping father whose child was killed at Sandy Hook testified and asked why anyone needed an assault rifle with huge ammunition clips.
Larry grew up north of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State University -- four times. He can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or (317) 839-7656. Write him at 6860 Sunrise Drive, Plainfield, Ind., 46168.