Bob was cutting my hair Monday at the Headquarters. I think beauty salons and barbershop owners have some of the most creative names for any business. He had his hedge trimmers, a Weedeater and sheep shearing outfit humming as he hacked and whacked through the brush that is my mound of hair.
I used some light-hearted badinage and asked him not to thin it. He asked innocently, "Just what do you want me to thin? To thin, implies that there is something to thin." I hate people who own a thesaurus and a book on idioms.
Bob trimmed my eye brows that grow more than crabgrass and dandelions. Next he buzzed into and around my ears removing the horse weed-like clumps that get stronger and longer each year. Then he rammed his trimmer about three inches up into my nares to trim the kudzu growing there. I opined, "I don't understand Mother Nature and her designs for the male body and its accoutrements concerning hair." "Yes," he laughed, "I've seen more heads than a drunken sailor on KP assigned to clean all of the toilets in all the heads on an atomic powered aircraft carrier, and I can testify that Mother Nature is quite a jokester. She moves hair all around our bodies all of our lives."
"You are so right, I have hair all over my body in places where I don't need hair and in the one place I do need it, I have none. I don't need the hair on my mighty Tarzan-like chest except to announce my great virility. I have so much hair on my back that it undulates like a wheat field."
He thoughtfully asked, "How would your life be different or better if you had more hair?"
One thing it would take me longer to get ready to go someplace. It would take me more time to evaluate if I must shampoo or not. If yes BW would have to wait on me while stamping her foot and shooting darts from her eyes that would down the Hindenburg.
I would have to replace my hair dryer more often. Yes, I have a hair dryer and I use it. Peculiar the word hairdryer is similar to the word toothbrush. Both words imply that one only has one hair and one tooth. Now I can shampoo and then dry my hair(s) in less than a minute and I have used my dryer for a long time.
Plus, I would have to purchase more shampoo which would help the local economy. Now I can use a bottle of Tresemme, for about a year then fill the container with water, shake it and use it for at least six more months.
I would also have to buy more hair spray, brushes and combs. One of my brushes came from the 1967 Expo in Montreal. It has more hair in it than my head.
On the negative side I would lose my weekend job at Indy International Airport as a reflecting orb for the runway lights. In the trade I am known as the Disco Ball of aviation.
I am still not happy with the hair issues I face. If you see Mother Nature put in a plug for me. Wait a minute. Plug, hair, transplant. I could join the Hairy Krishna.
Larry grew up north of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State University -- four times. He can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or (317) 839-7656.