Today I am coming out of the closet. Not that way. I am cleaning the closet of my mind much like BW and I have been cleaning out our storage areas and closets. I call this column A Melange of Detritus which can be translated to mean amalgam, jumble, hodgepodge, chaff, miscellaneous and salmagundi. If you don't like Melange of Detritus choose another from the list.
I ate the first tomato from my plants on June 5. My next ones were on July 1 and we have had several since then. If you are still waiting suffering from ITDA [Indiana Tomato Deprivation Anxiety] eat your heart out. I will reveal my secret to you if you send me $10 in coin of the realm, cash or the equivalent value in Twinkies.
Twinkies are back. We have been promised that Twinkies will be back on the shelves this week and even better than ever. I have been having TAA [Twinkie Anxiety Attacks] ever since they were removed from the market.
Nothing good every follows the statement: "Hey, watch this." There is a difference between ignorant, stupid and dumb. These people are stupid. What you usually see is some goober bouncing on a trampoline who slips and straddles the springs on his receptacles. Or some goober comes down the street on a skateboard being pulled by a pickup who invariably falls and grinds several pounds of skin off his knees, elbows, hands and nose. Or some ignoramus rides a bicycle down a hill onto a Barbie Doll sized ramp hoping to jump a car. The ramp breaks, the bike folds and Doofas T-bones the car with his helmetless head. Call 078-8743. As comedian Ron White often says, "You can't fix stupid."
Just when I thought the quality of television could not get any lower I was proved wrong. Now it is true that some television programming is good quality but there is that high percentage of programming that appeals to my dark side, to the lowest common denominator of American intelligentsia, voyeuristic in nature, showing people at their worst, boorish behavior. I cite such programs as Bridezilla, Real Housewives from anywhere, The Bachelor, anything with the word Kardashian on it or VH1 and Honey Boo Boo. I watched Wallenda walk the cable over a portion of the Grand Canyon. Actually I knew it would take about 30 minutes so I skipped the first two hours and watched the last. Immediately after that program a new program aired titled Naked and Afraid. Two naked people, one male the other female, were filmed struggling through a jungle setting. How low can you go? Here it is. I vomited in my shoe.
You are reading the words of a Champion and Reserve Champion in photography at the Hendricks 4-H Fair. Yessiree Bob. My picture of George Washington's best side at Rushmore won champion. My picture of the Mighty Mo docked at Pearl Harbor won reserve champion. Thank you for that applause.
I am out of words already and I was just getting warmed up.
Larry grew up north of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State University -- four times. He can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or (317) 839-7656.