It is said that old friends are the best friends. It doesn't matter the day, the time or the situation old friends are calm and contented. They are as warm as an old coat, comfortable as old shoes and as inviting as the old house you have lived in for a long time.
Jim and Doris are such friends. We have known them for nearly 30 years. We have been to Europe twice with them and traveled extensively to other places. We have worshipped a zillion times together. We have sponged off them in their winter digs in Florida. Comes now the nexus of this column.
We were scheduled to go to the Beef and Boards production of Smoke on The Mountain Tuesday of last week with them. Sunday our land line jangled and I heard BW say, "Oh, that is too bad. I'm sorry to hear that. Are you any better?" They canceled.
Doris who is in the middle of the octogenarian level of experience blamed walking pneumonia. She said, "I have no energy, I tire easily and become out of breath and even though I am getting better I have a general malaise and feeling of "disease."
I pondered her symptoms and wondered if she would rather have walking pneumonia or the galloping crud. I believe my vote would go for walking pneumonia. At least you don't have to run. In my callow youth I recall eating many green apples and getting the green apple quick step. You better be near Ft. Necessity or at least a corn field when it strikes. Don't forget Montezuma's revenge otherwise known as "dire rear." Walking pneumonia doesn't sound so bad now.
Doris continued, "And besides all that, Jim had implants and he is feeling a little under the weather. My mind raced as I contemplated implants. Some entertainers and wealthy socialites get implants in the "dairy air" to be shapelier. Others have implants in their chins and cheeks to look more Hollywood-like. Not Jim, definitely.
The only implant left is delicate and radical - The Dolly Parton Procedure. Did Jimmy Bob have those implants to enhance his manly chest and thereby become the envy of all? I wonder why he would humiliate himself like that. Especially at his age!
Oh. BW just told me that he had dental implants. Is his mouth going to protrude like those other enhancements? Is he going to have those disgusting fat lips that some famous people find attractive? Does that mean he is going to have more teeth? Less teeth? False teeth?
Please don't tell me he did that so he could eat more and more often. I would rather hear Jim sing than eat because I have heard him eat. Obversely, when he sings he sounds like a Giraffe with industrial strength laryngitis singing the National Anthem with a bad summer rash who had just sat on a big game hunter's spear.
Nexus Redux. I wish they had the courage to tell us they just didn't want to go or be seen with us. Making up all those stories? Jim and Doris, you are better than that.
Go to my website Larryvandeventer.com. Larry Vandeventer grew up North of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State U. -- four times. He can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or 317-839-7656.