Finding humor in unsuspecting places

I read signs and find the humor in them. Some are not meant to be read literally. Some make inferences and others just plain out and out lie. Since I am an American I understand most idioms with the nuances and inferences. I am a lexicographer and that causes me to read and chuckle and sometimes guffaw.

On a recent trip to Colorado I noticed signs along the way. As we traveled the zip line called I-70 I saw a large sign that shouted, "World's largest gift store 14 miles." That got my attention because I have never seen a building that long. The Pentagon might be that long if one were to unwind it and stretch it end to end. But 14 miles. That there is a biggin. "BW." I said with my throat constricted to a high pitch of expectation, "We must stop there and see what is going on." She hastily agreed.

The zip line moved us farther down the road and then I saw another sign that said, "World's largest gift store 10 miles." And then the stench of realization came in through the vents and engulfed me like the breath of a very large animal. "I'm suspicious," muttered I. Then we saw it a building about three times the size of a double-wide. The owner just may need a Come to Jesus Moment on his sign. We did not stop. Wall Drugs it wasn't.

On down the road in another state came another sign that caused me to ponder deeply. We passed an area near a town that is typical in America. It had a cluster of motels, restaurants and gas stations. A small pizza place, now remember this is the far west where towns are few and far between and tend to be small, had a sign that said, "Pizza and sub delivery 4:30." I wondered if the sign meant they began delivering at that time or that was the only time they delivered. You better get your order in weeks in advance because they only deliver one pizza once a day at 4:30.

I learned also that a sign saying "Got Chicks" meant a hatchery not an adult entertainment place.

Have you noticed the plethora of restaurants and motels with signs that say "Free Wife." I pointed that out to BW who said, "Doofas! That says Free WiFi." Oh.

And I noted a sign that said, "Rest Park. Vending Machines only." Sure enough there they were lounging about smoking, drinking. We were not allowed in.

A sign near Mitchell, South Dakota read, "Best Western Motel, Exit here." I did and almost tore the undercarriage off the Buick, bent the frame and flattened three tires. We plowed through a ditch hit the cyclone fence. Smashing onward we swerved to miss the three trees in that county and schlepped to a stop among a herd of befuddled and startled cows. We had to call 911 for a wrecker that came and pulled us out like a large fish. Well the sign said Exit Here.

Go to my website Larryvandeventer.com. Larry Vandeventer grew up North of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State U. -- four times. He can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or 317-839-7656.