If you would like to make a call...

Good Morning. You have reached the automated voice message system of If, Ands or Butts Manufacturing. Your call is very important to us. Please listen to the messages and select the one that most clearly states the reason for your call so we can direct your call to the appropriate department:

(1) Press one to yell vulgar and profane words at the manager, (2) Press two to reach R & D to criticize the shoddy product you purchased, (3) Press three to locate the correspondence you sent to us more than two months ago, (4) Press four to find out where to return defective merchandise, (5) Press five to complain about Obamacare, (6) Press six to order your lunch from 'Doug's If We Can't Deep Fat Fry It We Don't Serve It Café,' or just stay on the line and hope someone will be with you within the next fortnight.

"Hello, this is Kevin (heavy Bangladesh accent obviously not named Kevin and not an American) Thank you for calling. I must validate your identity. " "State your name, please?" "As we begin, Kevin, where are you located?" "For security reasons I am not allowed to say except in America." "Sure, sure, Kevin. My name is Larry Vandeventer." "Your home address, please?" "Route 1, Box 110." "And your Zip Code?" "66331." "Thank you. Your phone number beginning with the area code?" "666.666.6666." "Thank you."

"Those demographic data seem to be correct. Please answer the following questions."

"Mr. Larry, what was the name of your first pet." "Wormy, the cat." "I'm sorry that is not the answer of record. Are you sure?" "Oh, it could be brownie the three-legged dog." "Yes, that is the answer we have. Now what was your mother's maiden name?" "Eauclare." "Correct." "Now what was your father's middle name?" "Hamner." "Correct. Please state the name of your elementary school." "Calvertville." "That isn't the name we have on the record." "Oh, it was Calvertville Elementary School." "That is correct. We are almost finished. State who played the role of Rooster Cogburn in the real movie True Grit?" "Well, little sister, that would be John Wayne." "Correct. Who was your best friend in high school?" "Wooster Quackenbush." "Correct. Now one more. What is your favorite vegetable?" "Oh that is easy. Celery stuffed with pate de beef tongue." "Correct. Thank you."

Now Mr. Larry, how can I help you?" "I purchased a brass thing-whippet from your company and it does not work." "I'm sorry, Mr. Larry, what does it do?" "Nothing. That is the problem."

"Mr. Larry, I am going to place you on hold for a moment. All Right?" "All Right." After hearing the theme song from 'No No Nanette' 23 times a voice that could grind limestone into gravel belched, If you would like to make a call please hang up and try again or select one of the following options:

(1) Start the process of calling our company again by drinking a quart of moonshine from a Mason jar.

(2) Smash your phone with a 12-pound sledge hammer

(3) Have an 18-wheeler FedEx truck come to your residence and drive over your phone in the street

(4) Strip off all your clothes and streak the block three times.

Larry grew up North of Calvertville and Graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State four times. Contact him at Goosecrick@aol.com or 317-839-7656.