The Cow Chip Tossing, Burp your name seminar and Mushroom Hunting Academy of Tulip, Indiana, is enrolling female students in classes for summer and fall:
"Who died and put you in charge of driving?" A debate will be held on teaching real women to keep their mouths shut when riding as a passenger of a car in the front or back seat.
"Toilet paper stacking techniques" will be taken to Ph.D. (Piled higher and deeper) levels applying the FedEx level of efficiency. Students will hold a discourse on the question, "Would it kill you to warehouse toilet paper beside and atop the water tank of the toilet?" What is so hard about that concept? It is possible to stack at least a three-month supply of TP at the spot of application.
"The Quiet Earp Seminar" will be revived this session. A seminar, named for the lesser known Earp brother, will be held on the physical and mental capacity extant that makes it possible for women to keep their mouths shut sometimes. Techniques will be learned to accomplish that feat.
Roundtable discussion will be conducted on "Learning to live with fewer than 55 pairs of shoes." It can be done. Rosie and Inkster from the local homeless shelter will use a film of third world women and their shoe deprivation as a discussion starter. Students will develop a workshop on how to donate shoes to GoodWill.
"Shopping is not a social event." A field trip will be taken to Outer Mallgolia to witness examples of languishing men in their unnatural habitat with no hope of escape; men suffering from physical and mental fatigue waiting for their wives to return. Participants will develop strategies on going to the mall and grocery store while leaving their husbands at home.
A round table discussion will be conducted on what is the expectation created when women say, "We have to talk." For years men have assumed that at some time they will be allowed to speak.
"Dairy Air" and toilet seat controversy -- This course will get to the bottom of this issue. This course will explore the myth that women have developed about who controls the commode seat. A polemic will be conducted on the topic of who has the high ground to demand the proper configuration of the seat. Men will discuss their needs and women will discuss their needs. Demonstrations will be given on how to address the commode to determine if he seat is up or down and then what to do next. Participants will practice the LoFTS [Look, Feel, Touch, Sit] technique.
Women will learn that this strategy will reduce to zero the number of times they will feel the imprint of the frigid ceramic commode on their "Dairy Air."
"Remote Control Denial 101" - Women will learn that remote controls are not made for female hands or their level of mental competency. Most don't know how to speed dial through channels. Students will accept that any channel with names like "Hallmark," "Weeping women of Worthington," "OWN" or "O" [list is not complete] are forbidden on all TV sets as well as "Baking Naked and not afraid." Wait a minute that could be revealing.
Larry grew up north of Calvertville and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State four times. Contact him at Goosecrick@aol.com or 317-839-7656.