The Only Good Aspect of Flying: The Speed

Stewardesses Oops. It is politically incorrect to use that term today. One must use the term flight attendant because men are now allowed in the profession. Joan Rivers observed long ago that flight attendants are only waitresses servers who fly. They are different on each airline.

We flew United to Dulles in Washington D.C., then Austrian Air to Vienna. On the return we flew to Newark then Indy. I feel obligated to provide a Public Service Announcement on flight attendants after spending about 24 hours with them.

FAs on Austrian Air are all young. No one appeared to be older than 30. They wear snappy all red outfits with heels and caps and when they move through the airport in groups they turn heads. Some wear a white blouse to compliment the sparkling red uniforms. Their shoes are also red. Their red carry-on rolling luggage hums as they walk smartly through the airport, heels popping like bubble wrap. Most are drop dead gorgeous. People can't keep their eyes off them; Especially those of the male gender such as me. They are cute, mostly blonde, willowy, trim and in shape. Their bodies are poetry in motion if you know what I mean.

They served many snacks and drinks on the flights to and from Vienna and two meals.

American flight attendants are different. We have flown several airlines over the past two years and this report is a compilation of the stews flight attendants I have seen.

Most American FAs are 50 plus or minus and are mostly efficient but they are just a bit on the Northside of frumpy and overweight. A few of them have to turn sideways to get down the aisle. They mostly wear nondescript, dark uniforms to hide the additional avoirdupois with clunky shoes. I think I saw one on a recent flight who was wearing flip flops with mismatching painted toenails. On a recent flight one attendant was wearing dark yoga pants that revealed more sand dunes, knobs, hillocks and glens than a family reunion in Scotland. Some smell like the microwave they use to heat those wonderful meals they get at Circle K convenient stores.

You have to fly for 72 straight hours on American flights to be served any food and then it must be purchased before boarding. All meals on all airlines are the same. They are purchased at the going out of business sales of convenience stores and gas stations then sold to unsuspecting passengers at scalper rates.

First class on Austrian has its own chef. He wears a Haz-mat suit to walk through economy. Before landing he throws all trash and leftover food into economy. Travelers scream like pubescent girls at a Justin Bieber concert and dive on it like dumpster divers.

My "dairy air" and other parts of my anatomy are not very svelte so on an airplane I feel like page number 250 in a ream of paper. When I eat, I look and feel like a praying mantis. The only good aspect of flying is the speed.

Larry Vandeventer

Go to my website -- Larryvandeventer.com -- and purchase my books. I grew up North of Calvertville and Graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State 4 Times. Contact me at Goosecrick@aol.com or 317-839-7656.