I have a bum leg today as a result of running in a marathon. You scoff, but indeed I did run in a marathon. As a result, my right leg and foot are hot and swollen and when I walk lightning bolts of pain rip through my leg and foot.
A group from our church, Plainfield Christian Church, bussed to Boston, Cape Cod, Hyannis and Nantucket a couple of weeks ago. A couple of days at home and my right calf began to hurt like sin. It was more swollen than the federal budget.
After three days BW reached up, grabbed my shirt collar, pulled me down to her level and hissed, “You are going to the doctor.” “I am not going,” I gasped as I continued to watch IU football.” I limped Into Dr. Acula’s immediate care office looking like Chester Goode from Gunsmoke. She said, “I am sending you to the ER at Hendricks Regional for an ultrasound.”
At HRH I was given a wheelchair ride to the inner sanctum. The attending physician, “Dr. Goodnic,” looked at my leg and blurted, “Eeowwww!” That is not a sound one wants to hear from a doctor. I survived a gurney ride to the inner most sanctum where I had to lower my trousers to my ankles. It is a good thing I was wearing my Purina Dog Chow Boxer shorts to protect my dignity.
A “Tech Nition” slathered my leg with axle grease, and starting near my ‘growin’ she began to slide what felt like a stethoscope along my leg causing me to hum “I Found My Thrill On Blueberry Hill” by Fats Domino. However, as she pressed on my ravaged calf I moaned, “Hurts So Bad” by Kim Carnes.
I was driven back down the hall by a Jeff Gordon wannabe at Talladega. “Dr. Goodnic” strolled in and announced, “I can state without equivocation that your sonogram shows you are pregnant which accounts for your large stomach.” “Pregnant! I want a second opinion.” “Ok,” he blurted, “You are also old and ugly.”
“Tech Nition” said, “Doctor, you have the wrong folder.” “Oh sorry, your ultrasound shows that we have ruled out gout, phlebitis, cellulitis and chipotle but you do have some arthritis in that knee and stop humming “Hurts So Bad.” You have what we call in the medical community, a big Boo Boo.” I was released with three prescriptions and another NASCAR ride.
I have only taken one pain pill but the antibiotics as prescribed. The stool softener does not work. I have put some in the tank and in the water in the bowl and stuck some on the lid and seat. That stool is still as hard as it was before. Back to the marathon: on our trip, we stopped at a Marathon truck stop/convenience store/fast food complex and I was desperate so I ran in that Marathon to reach Ft. Necessity before I had an accident. It must have been during that grueling run in a Marathon that I injured my leg.
Larry Vandeventer. Go to my two websites – Larryvandeventer.com and wjrambler1956.com – and purchase my books. I grew up North of Calvertville and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State. Contact me at Goosecrick@aol.com or 317-839-7656.