Introverted, shy or socially awkward: The odyssey of finding a voice

In my youth there was one particular word people would use to describe me, "shy." I would have preferred the phrase "silently astute," or "humble," but those are words I purposefully used both then and now to circumvent the truth. So in order to better represent my journalistic oath I'll be honest: I was dreadfully shy for many years.

In previous columns I have made allusions to this very fact, though I will argue my shy sensibilities are mostly in remission.

When I was very young though, the word "shy" would have been the last word used to describe me.

While in Bible school on Sundays, my teachers would always tell my parents it was "a good day" if they could keep me in the class room for longer than five minutes at a time. I was a very hyperactive child, with so much energy it was amazing at some point that my feet even treaded the ground.

For years I have searched for the defining moment when I lost my taste for speech, but have found no cause. It was around the time I entered adolescence when for the next ten years, I would speak only when painfully necessary.

Besides "shy," other words to describe this attitude are introverted, socially awkward, or more cynically, antisocial. The great ability of words is even though many of the aforementioned words could be used interchangeably, the definitions contain widening differences. I prefer the word "introvert" rather than "socially awkward" (which I did tread on being for many years) to use to describe my behavior. But it was being introverted where I learned much more than I would have being extroverted.

In being introverted, life becomes an internal experience, where the person is required to take a spectator's view to the world at large. Having this perspective, you are able to learn a lot about people. This has helped me later in life for my career, especially in terms of reading people. For example, I can now deduce a lot about a person by the way they walk, talk, and even smile. For example, people have a certain tick whenever they are trying to phrase a quote in the most politically astute way. It could range from a simple gesture such as tapping an object to their patterns of speech where they might utter three consecutive "uhmms," or the spacing or their words becomes wider or narrower. But their timidness is generally displayed with a tick, especially if you catch them off-guard.

Another added benefit of being introverted has translated in my love for writing. Since I was often too shy to speak, I still needed an outlet, and writing provided me with a channel for my thoughts.

Even to this day, I often find it easier to write than I do to speak. The great attribute about writing is during the process, the words on the page lack permanence -- there is always time to edit, change or delete passages. But when you speak, after the words leave your lips it becomes permanent.

Norman Mailer phrased it best when he called writing, "The Spooky Art." I am hesitant to use the word "supernatural," because that word carries other implications, but for me writing is more than just an outlet, it is an internal odyssey.

While in high school, I would rarely raise my hand or speak out in class. If any of my former teachers are reading this column, I am sure they would be more than happy to corroborate my former statement. One of the most painful experiences for me as a student was having to read certain passages from a book aloud in class. Even though I was a voracious reader, during the latter part of my high school years, the fear of having to read a passage aloud was tantamount to paralysis.

There is an old expression that people often fear public speaking more frequently than death. I am not sure this statement has any basis in validity, but as a student, there were many times I much would have rather taken the latter than the former.

When I would be forced to give a speech in front of the class, there was only one way I would be able to deliver it with confidence -- I would have to write it out word for word. I knew if I spoke off the cuff I would instantly clam up, and cease speaking all together.

Over the last seven years, life has forced me to become more extroverted, instead of remaining the perpetual wallflower.

When I moved to Terre Haute, I had little friends and was in most respects alone. The best cure for being shy is facing your shyness with no distractions or safety net. I learned very quickly that if I did not talk to people then I would have no choice but to continue to come home to a quiet apartment.

The longer I stayed in Terre Haute, the more I came out of my shell.

Working as a reporter, I now have no choice than to interview a wide variety of people. This job has greatly moved me further away from being introverted. Today, I am now working with my friends on the creation of a podcast show on literature, an endeavor that would have been unthinkable only seven years ago.

Grant is a staff writer for the Greene County Daily World. He can be reached by telephone at (812) 847-4487, ext. 19. He can also be reached via email at gkarazsia@gmail.com.