Life is complicated. If there is one thread which weaves through our lives it is as soon as we are born, we are fated to go through many experiences which will shape the way we view the world. Most people will experience love, the loss of it, joy and pain. Each emotion contains with it a counter-balance. As many people have pointed out before, life would be a dull experience if it was merely joyful. For what is joy without sorrow?
It is hard to navigate life without retaining some scars. At one point or another, we will have the perception we have been betrayed, and people will not get along with every person they meet. I guess there is a beauty in that, knowing that as humans, we are perfectly flawed in the truest way.
I know often in these blogs, I have the tendency to write from my personal experience. If you meet me on the street, you may find that I am quite reserved. I think that is the case unless I you know me well, then you can’t get me to shut up. There has always been something in the magic of writing which has brought out the confessional side of me. Writing has always been an outlet… exercising the past with a cathartic tapping of the keys is meditative.
I’m stalling. I see the word count rising, and I haven’t said anything yet…Throughout my life I have had the benefit of being loved and returning it, even though sometimes I didn’t express it in the best way. There was a couple times in the recent past where I let the rising fire consume a relationship because I was too afraid to extinguish it. Just as everyone else, I was formed by my past, and I was perhaps too guarded to let it fully go. When we get hurt, we feel the need to protect ourselves, in order to not let ourselves go through whatever hurtful experience traveled in the name of love. But there is such a thing as overcompensation, and that was certainly true in my case until recently. The problem is, there is a balance you must walk and sometimes you have to bend more than you think, almost to the point of falling off. For a while, I just stood rigid and kept my eyes straight.
I guess where this comes from is a word I said recently...”sorry.” You would be surprised how hard that word is to say, especially when it means something. Because, if you do say it, your guilt is now admissible. It took me a while before I truly understood that, and now that I voiced it, that resentment, that anger and guilt I carried around was lifted. I should have said it years ago, but perhaps I’m slow to learn in the matters of the heart. I think we fool ourselves, especially after a relationship has ended, because it is a knock to our ego, and the ego is the only thing that can push you through the hard times.
What I am getting at is, sometimes just saying sorry can lift a burden that you needlessly carry around, but only if your ego can handle it.
Grant is a staff writer for the Greene County Daily World. He can be reached via email at firstname.lastname@example.org.