Even I have to admit, it looks pretty cool in the dark. If you don't look too closely or turn on the lights.
*Disclaimer* I love my big sister with all of my heart and she likes it when I pick on her.
I’ve never been able to fake delight in something I’m not delighted with, even though she was thrilled with this lamp that had nothing in common with the lamp depicted in the link she had sent. I didn’t want to disappoint her, but I was genuinely confused. I asked why she was sending the images, was this the lamp she meant to buy me or was it a lamp she bought herself and sent the video just to show me? I knew that was entirely possible, since just a few days prior, she sent videos of a motion-activated garbage can (you wave your hand over the lid and it opens) her husband bought her for her birthday. Let me just digress to comment on that for a moment.
First, he bought you a garbage can? For your birthday? This makes you happy, somehow?
Welp, I’d say the honeymoon is over.....Second, you’re so enchanted with this gift that’s obviously meant for you both to use, you’re making a video of yourself demonstrating the magical hand-wave to me? I’ll bet anyone $100 she posted that on Facebook, too, including the audio of her oohing and ahhhing in wonder and awe as she waves and the lid...opens.
Judy, Judy, Judy......people see that, you know. People judge.
Okay, back on track. When she realized I wasn’t content with the lamp switcheroo, she decided to keep the horrifying lighted hexagon and order me the lamp she had promised before. From Walmart.com, right?
What arrived a few days ago is not that lamp, and she swears it is.
Okay. It arrived with a return address of “Joe Doe” in Bensenville, Ill. Go ahead, Google “Joe Doe Bensenville Illinois”, or better yet, visit https://www.scampulse.com/joe-doe-reviews.
She ordered a lookalike lamp from a Facebook retailer for a much, much lower price and what I received is a much, much lower-quality product. I don’t fault anybody for trying to save a buck, but I have told her for YEARS not to buy things on Facebook, ever. And to my knowledge, she has been scammed three or four times at least, and still refuses to listen to me. But she so badly doesn’t want me to be right, she swears up and down she bought the lamp from Walmart.com for $60 including shipping. This thing might be worth six bucks, for the materials.
It took me four hours to assemble, the instructions were in Engrish, it was made in China and doesn’t even have a brand name. The link she sent from Walmart showed the brand name was Patlollav. Not this lamp, sorry.
Once assembled (and I threw away the crappy tape it came with to wrap the stems and substituted duct tape, which fits the whole trashy quality of the thing), I am left with five very heavy stalks, leaves attached, that light up randomly and must be held in one hand to look remotely like a plant. There’s no base, no vase, no nothing at the bottom, just the ends of the stalks with wires coming out. I finally set the whole mess into an overturned milk crate, to support the stalks. It doesn’t look a whole lot like a plant, but light-up leaves sure are neato.
Oh, and the whole programmable, sync-to-music functionality?
It only works if you download an app to your phone. A Chinese app that requires you, yes, requires you, to have location services turned on. Why does a Chinese lamp need to know where I am? I really don’t think they do, so I’ll skip controlling the lights, thanks.
It’s not the inferior product switcheroo that bothers me so much as her insistence on the lie that she bought it on Walmart.com and not Facebook.
Since when can’t a sister admit to her sister she’s really stupid, insanely stubborn and she messed up?
Evidently it’s when she’s my sister, that’s when. Sigh..
Patti is the editor of the Greene County Daily World. She loves kitty-cats, chocolate anything and being alone. If you would like to share a story (or some chocolate) she can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.