My 2008 Predictions

I couldn't think of a better thing to do on Christmas Day than to offer my predictions for the New Year. Keep in mind; I was the one who said that Larry Bird would never make it in the pros. In my defense, I was in Alaska during Larry's ISU days and back then we didn't get any live sporting events on TV. So without further ado, here are my predictions for 2008:

1. A Democrat is elected President and Laura Bush announces her candidacy for a California Senate seat. Outgoing President Bush predicts that he will become the second President returning to the White House as a First Gentleman. He also states that he plans to live in the White House and not in the Doghouse, like his predecessor.

2. Puerto Rico and Guam are granted Statehood in the Union as the 51st and 52nd States. President Bush states that we are now playing with a full deck.

3. Michael Chertof, Secretary of Homeland Security, announces a contract with a Chinese company to build a wall between the U.S. and Mexico. Apparently the Chinese were the only proposers who had the requisite previous experience.

4. Walmart announces the upcoming expansion of the Linton store. The expansion will include a car wash, barber shop, library, YMCA, coffee shop, discount tax service, bank, daily newspaper, lumber yard and a walk-in clinic.

5. All changes proposed by the state Commission on Local Government Reform are passed into law and Bart Beard becomes the first Czar of Greene County and will be addressed only as His Imperial Majesty.

6. Barry Bonds signs with Oakland, hits his 800th Home Run and begins his 20 year prison sentence for lying to a Federal Grand Jury. Bud Selig immediately slaps Bonds with a lifetime suspension from playing Major League Baseball, which effectively negates any comeback at age 64.

7. Hank Steinbrenner fires Manager Joe Giradi in mid-May and replaces him with player-manager Derek Jeter. The Yankees win their 27th World Championship by sweeping the Cubs in 4 straight games.

8. The City of Linton announces the annexation of Dugger and the Honorable Mayor, Tom Jones, predicts that Linton-Dugger will be synonymous with Minneapolis-St. Paul and Dallas-Fort Worth within a matter of 10 years.

9. Property taxes continue to rise, gasoline goes above the four dollar mark in early spring and schools begin charging students to ride on school buses.

10. Old Simmons miraculously discovers a putting stroke and edges out his old buddy Kevin Lehman (in the first year of his comeback) in the Greene County Championship.

I know that I'm somewhat shy of being a Nostradamus, but please don't bet the farm against all of these predictions. And if you happen to think that you have better predictions, let me know.