With Malice Toward None

Here are my two favorite news articles from this week: 1) some lady in Texas gets medical assistance after officers remove her and the 22 dogs from her car, "The car was soaked with urine and covered in feces. The ammonia level in the vehicle was 23 parts per million even after the doors had been opened for several minutes. As a frame of reference, humans start experiencing health issues at 12 parts per million," stated Courtney Stevens of the SPCA of Texas. I'm not an expert on pets of any kind, but I might suggest that the lady look at buying a truck next time she wants to haul the whole kennel. Whew, can you imagine the stench?

And 2) the mother of the recently delivered octuplets (who happens to have 6 other kids at home already) is receiving food stamps. Come on now, enough is enough lady. Just what in the wide, wide world of sports is running through these people's minds? I love it though, that kind of real world news is my kind of humor; just good old folks doing stupid, moronic, idiotic stuff.

We've got a couple of big holidays coming up this weekend, Valentine's Day and Presidents Day. Yikes, how excited can we get over those two holidays? Remember back in early grade school when you had to bring Valentine cards for everyone in your class? I hope they're not doing that nowadays. In retrospect, that seems weird, doesn't it? Anyway, have a nice Valentine's Day and have fun doing whatever it is you're supposed to be doing on that strange holiday, maybe I'll see you at the Pepperoni Grill.

Now let's look at Presidents Day, which is a real Holiday with a Capital H, or maybe a Capitol H in this case. By definition, a real Holiday is one that gets me out of work for a day. Normally on this day, I gather a bunch of colleagues together to enjoy some fine cherry wine, in honor of that little feller who couldn't tell a lie, and some chopped liver with onions in honor of that wonderful old rail splitter. We'll sit on the floor and reminisce about all of the great Presidents and occasionally offer a toast to Honest Abe and our first "George W". Then I'll dump a big 5 gallon bucket of pennies on the floor and we'll have a contest on who can find the oldest and shiniest penny before the sand in the hourglass runs down. The winner gets to tell his favorite Presidential story, no matter how long and boring it may turn out to be. You can barely imagine the hilarity surrounding such a festive occasion.

Let me tell you, I've been thinking quite a bit about Abe Lincoln recently. I feel kind of sorry for Abe since we have his likeness on that poor old worthless penny. They say that it now costs almost twice as much for our Treasury Department to make a penny than it is worth. How can we celebrate this great man's birthday every year and yet we put his face on a penny that's not worth a penny? I say it is time to remove Abe's likeness from this worthless penny and find someone else who would be more fitting of a worthless coin...like George W. Bush. I don't think you can get much more worthless than that.

Recently, I suffered through a nightmare in which the ghosts of Gutzon and Lincoln Borglum added W's face to Mt. Rushmore. In the dream, W gave a dedication speech, but everyone was laughing at him so loud that I couldn't make out what he was saying; probably was the best speech that I never heard him make. Can you imagine how something like this would kill the tourism industry for South Dakota, maybe even North Dakota too? I shouldn't pick on him anymore; hopefully we've seen the last of W and his cronies.

I've been looking at the baseball world lately and the detestable odor coming from these mind numbing steroid investigations and hearings is almost unbearable. While listening to A-Rod's confession Monday night, I was suddenly stricken by the fact that many of these ballplayers would make excellent politicians. They are such terrible liars...consequently; they would fit in perfectly on Capitol Hill. These boys should take heed of this bit of wisdom from our 16th President, "No man has a good enough memory to make a successful liar."

I am just down right tired of all of the Congressional involvement in this baseball business. It seems to me that there must be more important things that our elected representatives should be concentrating on at this time. I mean surely, don't you think that they could get some laws passed on the number of dogs that you can have in a car at any given time?