Friday, Mar. 7, 2014
Resolutions and unwanted e-mailsPosted Friday, January 11, 2008, at 6:21 PM
It's a new year and we're also at the time when many of us have already abandoned our conventional New Year's resolutions that were faithfully made about two weeks ago.
Resolutions are tough to follow and that's probably the reason that many fail.
Personally, I've made the dieting resolution more times than I care to admit and, as you who know me will readily see-- it's one I continue to struggle unsuccessfully with and break every year.
The tradition of making New Year's resolutions actually dates back to the early Babylonians when the most popular resolution was to return borrowed farm equipment.
Well, I think I would be pretty safe in making that one this year since I don't farm and have no need for farm equipment.
There are the other "traditional" resolutions like quit smoking and drinking, clean up your language, get organized, spend more time with family and friends, learn something new, reduce debt and another tough one -- become more physically fit.
One resolution that many forget to add to their personal list of things to do in the coming year is helping others.
That's a great one and one that most everyone could accomplish with a little effort.
We all have gifts and talents that we could share with other in our community to make it a better place to live and work.
Why not become involved with a volunteer activity, join a community service organization, and go visit someone in a nursing home or the hospital?
A biggie resolution for me in the coming year will be to reduce the number of wacky almost insane e-mails I get -- that if taken literally can scare the you know what out a person.
Some of the junk I receive is amazing and is passed along by good intentioned folks, who actually believe they are doing a global good deed by circulating this stuff.
Reading through my in-box I probably need to send a thank you note to the person who advised me about "poop" in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
I also have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Thanks to another person, I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
Also, I was advised recently to no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
Thanks to the same people, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to 10 of my friends and make a wish within five minutes and if not, I don't believe in God.
Because of concerns aired in e-mails, I also no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper either since the people who make these beverages are actually atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I've also learned that I can no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda operatives in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I received another one that noted that if I don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on my head at 5 p.m. this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest my back, causing me to grow a hairy hump.
By now, you understand my problem.
I need to block most of my e-mail contacts before I also go insane and become ultra paranoid about walking out the door of my peaceful home in southern Cass Township.
Have a good year.
Nick is the assistant editor for the Greene County Daily World. He can be reached by telephone at 847-4487 or 1-800-947-4487 or by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org
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