Bloomfield man sentenced in undercover child solicitation case

Friday, March 6, 2009

A 31-year-old Bloomfield man was convicted Tuesday in Marion County of class C felony child solicitation.

Neil D. Schulte was arrested by two Marion County detectives at his home on Wilson Dr. late on July 7, 2008. He was booked into Marion County Jail early on July 8 and charged in Marion Superior Court with two counts of class C felony child solicitation.

Under the terms of a negotiated plea agreement, Schulte pled guilty to one count and the second count was dropped.

On Tuesday, the plea agreement was accepted by the court, a judgment of conviction was entered.

Schulte was sentenced by Judge Sheila Carlisle to serve four years with three years suspended. After the sentence is served, he would then be on probation for three years.

Schulte was given credit for three days served at the time of his arrest and assessed court costs and a small fine.

Schulte's sentence pronouncement specifies that he may have contact with his own minor children and family members. but he is not to access the Internet.

The judge specified that Schulte be allowed to serve his sentence on home detention through the Greene County Community Corrections, but that plan hit a snag because Schulte lives in too close a proximity to Bloomfield's public swimming pool.

Since he is not eligible to serve home detention at his present address, Schulte's sentence is scheduled to be reviewed at a hearing in Marion Superior Court at 9 a.m. on Tuesday.

On Thursday, Schulte was booked into the Greene County Jail and is expected to remain in custody pending the results of the review hearing.

The conviction order notes two mitigating factors that were considered in sentencing: The fact that he had no prior criminal history and that prolonged incarceration would be a hardship on his dependents.

However, an aggravating factor was the nature and circumstances of the offense.

Schulte charges stemmed from numerous conversations he had with a person he believed to be a 14-year-old female using a popular online instant messaging service.

Transcripts of several of the online conversations were included in a probable cause affidavit written by a detective who was accessing the internet, using the messaging service, and posing as the 14-year-old female in the course of an investigation.

The conversations appeared to have been instigated by Schulte, using the screen name "nschulte24" starting on May 2, 2008. Schulte contacted the officer who was posing as a 14-year-old again on May 12, 14, 15, 16, 18, 19, 21, 22, 25, 26, 27, June 1 and 30.

On July 7 when one of the detectives knocked on Schulte's door while he was chatting with the undercover officer online.

The conversations were of a sexual nature, graphic and provocative, according to court documents.

The transcripts include offers by Schulte to send a sexual toy or money through the mail in return for items of underwear to be sent back to him and he gave his real name and a rural Bloomfield mailing address in the conversation.

Shortly after the conversations began in May, the detectives sent a subpoena to the messaging service and they obtained Schulte's identification.

When one of the detectives knocked on Schulte's door, the undercover officer involved in the conversation reported Schulte abruptly stopped "chatting."

The probable cause states that Schulte was then interviewed at his residence and after his Miranda rights were read, he was asked if he wished to give voluntary consent to the ongoing investigation.

He stated he would not give consent to have his computer taken because he needed it for his employment at Science Applications International Corporation (SAIC), located in Bloomfield, as a contract employee for the Naval Surface Warfare Center (NSWC) at Crane.

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  • Yes I was wondering how you were able to obtain the info on this case. Is it public info for you to tell this story and not think about how the family of this will feel. I understand that this is a safty isue for the community, but I feel that some of the report was not fair for you to publish about the case, when some of what you did say was half truths'. I'm trying to be calm about this but I would like to know how you can get this much of the information when it wasn't even in this paper almost a year ago. And please think that this hurts his family and the kids in the family that he very close too...

    Thank you for your time and I hope to hear back about this.

    A concerend family memeber.

    Response by Greene County Daily World:

    We understand your concern about this case and agree that information about this case is a safety issue for the Bloomfield community. The information used in the story came directly from the Order of Judgment of Conviction filed in Marion Superior Court on March 3, 2009; the Order for Commitment to Community Corrections filed March 3, 2009; the Abstract of Judgment filed March 3, 2009; and the Affidavit for Probable Cause filed with the court on July 8, 2008. All the documents are public record. The defendant in this case did enter a guilty plea to a Class C felony.

    -- Posted by smc73 on Fri, Mar 6, 2009, at 9:31 PM
    Response by Greene County Daily World:
    The defendant's name also appeared on the Greene County Jail Log this morning (Friday) -- which we receive every day -- and that is the reason we checked into the story.
  • Justice2all

    Thank you for your kind words and we do have feeings of hurt and humilition. But we do stand by him 100% and our love for him can't stop over this.

    I just hope like you said that people can and would see the other side, but it's to hard explain all this on our side to the public as it record to all.

    But thank you again

    -- Posted by smc73 on Fri, Mar 6, 2009, at 10:37 PM
  • So why wasn't it in the paper a year ago, since it is a safety issue for Bloomfield, when it happened? Didn't Bloomfield residents have the right to know about it when it happened, especially since he was and has been living in town since then.

    -- Posted by HelpGreene on Sat, Mar 7, 2009, at 9:34 AM
  • There is much hurt and pain associated with this case and with this story. However, I am glad that this has come out and that no one can turn a blind eye to the problem at hand. Neil was sending money to people in exchange for underwear items eight years ago and was heavily addicted to the internet. Had the family listened and insisted on helping this might have been prevented. This is one instance where the family secret should not have been shoved in the closet with the other skeletons. Please know that I am not blaming the family for the events that occured because if someone does not want help nothing you do can help them. But, the part I wish was different is the fact that the family knew of this problem and did not even attempt to help or listen. While I am sorry to hear that this has put an undue burden on his family and dependents, I am glad that this involved an undercover officer instead of an actual 14-year-old child.

    No one wants to believe that your loved one is capable of such acts or is troubled in such a way. However, when presented with a trunk full of pornography, graphic pictures, graphic letters, underwear items, sexual toys, and a subsequent divorce over this issue, you need to open your eyes to the possibility that there is a real problem that needs to be addressed. As a family, your itent should be to help a loved one when they have a problem not disguise it to avoid humiliation or ensure that your loved one can continue on doing the same acts that years later would leave them with a felony conviction.

    While the family may be experiencing hurt feelings, pain, and humiliation I hope that they take a moment to realize all of the pain that would have occured had this actually been a 14-year-old child and had it turned into a physical relationship. I know that the family will ignore or dispute almost everything I have stated here and will quite possibly try to discredit me in some way but I know the truth and now so does the public that takes an interest in this story.

    -- Posted by Saw-It-Coming on Sat, Mar 7, 2009, at 9:38 AM
  • If this was an issue 8 years ago, then why didn't you try to get him help when you were married to him? Maybe that's the question in hand. Then none of this would of happened now and he could have gotten the help then that he he is getting now. Ever think about that? But instead you blame family for hideing this, what about you, you were his wife then, ever talk about getting thearpy to help him. Obviousley you must have never thought that it wasn't an issue then.

    So now you want to lash out and and bring up issues that aren't relevent to this case, but instead you are trying to make him sound more of a monster than what he really is.

    He has learned his mistake and is fully aware of what this is doing to himself and loved ones. And knows that the public will ridicule him for the rest of his life over a very stupid mistake on his part. We all will stand by his side and support him, and not "hide" it in a closet as you say they do. Yes we are glad to know it wasn't a real child, and he feels and knows what EVERYONE in the county and near home will think of him and say behind all of our backs.

    -- Posted by smc73 on Sat, Mar 7, 2009, at 2:24 PM
  • Actually I did go through counseling with him. We attended three sessions together with a therapist in Bloomington. After three sessions the therapist told us that there was a much deeper issue that needed to be examined and that we should go through counseling seperately first before attempting marriage counseling. Neil attended counseling for a month or two before quitting. When he quit he came to me and told me that he had met someone online and thought that he was in love with her. He wanted my permission to date her while still married to me to see if he could develop a relationship with her. I told him at that point that since we were married that I could not give my permission to that but if he truly felt that way then we needed to part ways. He moved out of our Bloomington home and back to Bloomfield, shortly thereafter we divorced. In the beginning we also went to see the pastor at a family church to seek help for this problem.

    I blame the family because his mother knew the exact reasons behind our divorce, I did not hide any of my reasons from her. For the past four years, since the divorce, she has known the reasons and maybe she should have tried to help him.

    He has never learned his lesson and realized what this has done to his family, otherwise he never would have lost the family that he had with me and committed this "mistake". At least I tried to help instead of pretend that it was a simple mistake that he didn't mean to make and is now being unjustly persecuted by his community. I am not trying to make him out to be a monster, I am simply calling a spade a spade.

    -- Posted by Saw-It-Coming on Sat, Mar 7, 2009, at 3:29 PM
  • And also for the other readers of our agurement, we don't or havne't had any internet in our residence. Nor will we again. We both can live with out it and have been for some time now. He and I both agree that it's not a necessity in our lives.

    -- Posted by smc73 on Sat, Mar 7, 2009, at 5:57 PM
  • Wow.

    With all due respect, and not knowing any of the involved parties, there is a lot of some serious denial going on in these comments.

    What possible "other side" could there be to a grown man soliciting what he believed to be a minor child for her underware on the internet?

    And while I am sure that it is difficult for the family, I don't think how they might feel over the publication is the most important thing.

    -- Posted by just sayin'... on Sat, Mar 7, 2009, at 11:21 PM
  • And also for the other readers of our agurement, we don't or havne't had any internet in our residence. Nor will we again. We both can live with out it and have been for some time now. He and I both agree that it's not a necessity in our lives.

    -- Posted by smc73 on Sat, Mar 7, 2009, at 5:57 PM

    ***********************

    You make that sound like some decision that was reached on your own.

    I'm sure you do agree that it is not a necessity, since the article clearly says that no internet access is part of his sentence.

    *******************

    And knows that the public will ridicule him for the rest of his life over a very stupid mistake on his part.

    -- Posted by smc73 on Sat, Mar 7, 2009, at 2:24 PM

    *********************

    Omg.

    Are you for real?

    Offering what he believed to be a 14 year old child sex toys or money for her PANTIES is a "very stupid mistake"?

    I gather from the posts exchanged here that one poster is his ex wife, and you must be his current wife/girlfriend or possibly another family member.

    I've got a clue for you.

    His actions aren't a mistake.

    His actions are sick.

    And your dismissal of them as a "stupid mistake" is almost as sick.

    -- Posted by just sayin'... on Sat, Mar 7, 2009, at 11:43 PM
  • Wow!!

    Perspective here is WAY off! Let me bring everything into proper focus for you, and if you have the gall to argue with me, then there is something seriously wrong with you.

    As the former VICTIM of a pedophile, I maintain that the abuser's family's feelings are NOT tantamount. While I do feel pity for the family, as they are not guilty, but do suffer shame due to the actions of their blood relative, I guarentee you, the victim suffers more. I am 40 years old and have been in couseling for many, many years and STILL suffer because of what was done to me. As a victim, I would reprint daily in every newspaper in America the actions of my abuser if I could. I want him to suffer every minute that I suffer. In my case, his family tried to cover it up too. They were afraid of the shame. But if they had come out NOT supporting him and defending him, there wouldn't have been the public shame for them, instead there would have been sympathy. But the community had a hard time swallowing their pleas for sympathy when they publicly came out in support of the wrong doer instead of seeing that he had abused and scarred for life an innocent child and separating themselves as far as possible from him.

    He too claimed it was a 'mistake' and he'd 'never do it again'. Well, his 'mistake' has robbed me of my childhood, my trust in men, my innocence, my joy in life. I've spent years in counselling that I would rather have spent doing other things.

    What this man is... is sick, twisted, evil, ugly, and completely selfish. They almost always reoffend. Ever see Dateline's To Catch a Predator? Most of them had previous offenses with minors. Some of them that were caught in the sting told the nation they would NEVER do it again, they'd learned their lesson, and Dateline caught them again in another sting. One man that promised the world he'd learned his lesson and begged for forgiveness - Dateline caught him LESS THAN 24 HOURS LATER doing the exact same thing. What lesson did he learn? It certainly wasn't Don't talk with underage children online and don't meet them.

    So, while the family doesn't deserve the humiliation they get, it's hard to have sympathy for them when they publicly support a child predator! That just makes them sick too.

    But regardless, they aren't the focus, or at least they shouldn't be. THE CHILDREN, the victims, should be the focus. The children are truly innocent and have no voice. I speak for them. Let the animal rot in jail, get chemical and physical castration and have 'eyeball' supervision every minute of every day for the rest of his life.

    Now, tell me I'm wrong. If you can even begin to think that you, as a family member of the wrongdoer, is more important than the victims, you should turn off your computer and seek long term therapy.

    Queenie

    -- Posted by Queenie_2008 on Sun, Mar 8, 2009, at 7:40 AM
  • I'm not going go argue with you Queenie about any of it, but you have to remember that first of all WE are thinking about the children, and the public. But also he wasn't talking to a real child it was a 35 year old male. And the paper didn't put all of the facts that I got at my house over this case. The only put the worst stuff in to inform the community. If all the transactions were known then you can see yes he was "chatting", when the police in this case asked if ever wanted to meet, he clearly said NO and had no intentions to ever meet the person. I could never understand what you have been through and I'm sorry.

    But if you read they said there was a snag, he was trying to get everything taken care of in the proprer fashion, but between the diffrent (Marion)counties they wanted an warrent WHEN at the time he WAS moving from the area.

    I might be with him, but what the effects have done to us are just in way as we are vitims also.

    I have no excuses about this but he did try to go by the books and has been in couseling for this on his own and he doesn't deny anything. So I know you can't understand my part in all this, but now I have to deal with the fact that when school starts on Monday, my son (who calls him dad, and vise versa) is going to be picked on about this.

    I'm am truly sorry for the pain you had to indure all your life, and like I said I could never understand the pain and hardship you had.

    But alot of the comments made that his ex wrote about are her issues and that was mostly lies on her part due to her wanting her 15 minutes to put down the family who is supporting him.

    But I understand since you were a victim of a horrible action, you probley won't and don't want to see my side. And I can respect that. Like I said I didn't want to argue with you over any of this.

    -- Posted by smc73 on Sun, Mar 8, 2009, at 11:29 AM
  • But also he wasn't talking to a real child it was a 35 year old male.

    If all the transactions were known then you can see yes he was "chatting", when the police in this case asked if ever wanted to meet, he clearly said NO and had no intentions to ever meet the person.

    -- Posted by smc73 on Sun, Mar 8, 2009, at 11:29 AM

    **************************

    So those things make it all better?

    Unbelievable.

    -- Posted by just sayin'... on Sun, Mar 8, 2009, at 12:37 PM
  • smc73, your twisted! you need help! to stand by and support a man who wanted 14year old girls panties and would trade sex toy's and you have no problem with that??? wow! I don't care if it was a 35 year old male cop he still thought he was chatting with a 14 year old girl! this is unbelievable! thank goodness the kids at school wil know at least now when your son brings kids to your home their parents have been informed of your sick twisted mind and of your husbands

    and how is it you are posting on here regularly when you haven't got internet access?? just curious. I think you need serious help for you to stand by him.

    -- Posted by elynn66 on Sun, Mar 8, 2009, at 1:36 PM
  • Forgive me, but if you truly saw yourself and your kids as victims, you would distance yourselves from him in order to protect the children. You come across here as someone who sees HIM as the victim. It is unimportant who he was talking to in reality, it only matters that he THOUGHT he was talking with a child. He had that conversation with someone he understood to be a CHILD. If you don't get that, and want to press forward with the triviality that it was an adult in reality, then you are DEFENDING a pedophile and trying to get him off the legal hook he put himself on.

    For once, he should stand tall, look the judge in the eye, and say: "I'm guilty. I did wrong. Let me pay the price. Let me get the mental health supports I need and a plan in place to change the way I think about and view children. Let's get a plan in place to keep me completely away from children in every conceiveable manner for their own safety. Although I'd like to think I wouldn't repeat, I would be a fool to trust myself. The children must be protected at all costs, regardless of the cost to me and my family. Let's put a plan in place for supervised observation of my daily contact with my own children and step-children, to reduce and if possible, eliminate their risk. I think it would be a bad idea right now for me to live with children, so let's develop a plan to separate me from them until they are of age."

    By stepping up to the plate and making these plans and owning up to the thought patterns at the time of the conversation, you can say, "Well, at least he's trying to make it right."

    But by focusing on the fact that he was talking to a decoy instead of spewing that filth into the ears of a real child, you are still avoiding the gravity of the situation. Thank God above that it was a decoy instead of a child who would cry to sleep at night and wonder about the kind of world we live in and who would have to go to counselling for the next 30 or 40 years.

    Focus on the real issue instead of clouding it with the fact that it wasn't a traumatized little child he was talking to. The real issue is he said things to someone he believed to be underage that should never ever even entered his head, let alone left his mouth.

    If he doesn't take advantage of the jail time and mental health supports to help him change his way of thinking of children, there could be a wide path of permanently damaged children left in his wake of terror. He is a predator. Hopefully, if he reoffends, it will be in another sting operation so that it's an adult he sickens instead of a child he destroys.

    Queenie

    -- Posted by Queenie_2008 on Sun, Mar 8, 2009, at 2:33 PM
  • If you want to know, I am using a pc at another residence, I don't have one in my house. And you all can have your own opion about me.

    -- Posted by smc73 on Sun, Mar 8, 2009, at 4:29 PM
  • If you want to know, I am using a pc at another residence, I don't have one in my house. And you all can have your own opion about me.

    -- Posted by smc73 on Sun, Mar 8, 2009, at 4:29 PM

    *********************************

    My opinion of you is that I am very thankful that I have never been so desperate for a man that I could rationalize being with one who preys on children for his sexual gratification.

    How do you explain that to your son? You know, when it really would be to his benefit to have the internet at home for homework, etc?

    "sorry, but the man you call daddy likes to try to get little girls to send him their panties, so we can't have it?"

    I don't know you, or anyone else connected to this story, but I will say this. You seem hell bent on giving excuses about this situation. I really hope that when the day comes when this happens again...and it will happen again...there is no known type of therapy that works for this...in other words, it is not curable...I hope when that day comes, that you are able to see how your enabling makes you as guilty as him.

    -- Posted by just sayin'... on Sun, Mar 8, 2009, at 5:38 PM
  • SMC73

    I hope your child is taken out of this stiuation for good. If it isn't by you, then C.P.S needs to step in.

    GET A CLUE!!!!!

    -- Posted by doodlebug on Sun, Mar 8, 2009, at 6:56 PM
  • Queenie:

    I have sympathy for your situation. It is sad that any child has to endure what you went through. You are right, the concerns for the perpetrators' families should not be anyone's biggest concern, we should be primarily concerned for the victims.

    That said, the innocent family members of the perpetrators brought to justice are also victims. Granted, there may be some that are not so innocent, but nevertheless, the innocent are still victims too, particularly in our small-town environments in Greene County.

    In this case, there was no victim, thank goodness. There is no victim in this case that should be our number 1 concern. Without that person to be concerned about, we are therefore free to be more concerned for the others involved.

    I shall pray for everyone involved in this case....

    -- Posted by Question? on Sun, Mar 8, 2009, at 9:31 PM
  • I think that we need to get people like this off the street. Who knows what he or anyone like this is capable of! Have you ever seen MSNBC? There is a great show on there similar to this and they catch people doing this type of thing!

    -- Posted by cwogoman on Sun, Mar 8, 2009, at 9:57 PM
  • Question?,

    I believe I did state that his family members are victims too in this case. I agree with that to a point. Certainly, the children living with him are definate, identifiable victims. The wife? She was, until she made a decision to support him and defend him. Until she made a decision not to remove her children from the home and out of danger, if she didn't leave him altogether, which is, imo, what should be done. When she gained knowlege of the pediphilic nature of her husband, and chose to support him and defend him publicly, she became an enabler and codependant, no longer a victim.

    We all have choices in life. When we don't have others dependant on us, then bad choices are ours to bear alone and the consequencse ours alone as well. But when children are involved who depend on our ability to make good decisions to protect them and we fail, they suffer more than we. She is responsible for the mental and physical well being of these children who are certainly victims. She is failing them by defending this man. She is sending the message passively that what he did is ok, and robs them of power. They know that a child's voice is not heard. That adults can hurt them and there's not a thing they can do. Adults defend adults. Who do they turn to if a man down the street molests them? Not their mother, as she has shown that she condones such behavior, or likely anyone else, since the logic to a child is: If I can't even trust my own parents, I can't trust anyone. The saddest thing is, most likely, if a predator outside the family molested one of these kids, probably both parents here would want to press charges, or kill him. They'd be furious if it hit their family but not so when it is within their family.

    So, I do lack sympathy for her. Her job as a mother is to protect those children not her husband, who is the predator. Until she steps up to the plate as a parent and protects those she has been given responsiblity for by God, then she is guilty when/if something is done to them.

    Queenie

    -- Posted by Queenie_2008 on Mon, Mar 9, 2009, at 1:10 AM
  • Msc73

    My heart goes out to you. I see a woman having faith in man she loves. That is the way it suppose to be. However, there are people out there no matter how much you love them or them you they can't seem to find or don't want to find the strength to do the right thing. I believe you see a side of him no one else sees but I also believe there's a side of him you can't see right now. I believe he may even be sorry for what he has done but I doubt he will ever change. Unfortunately reality will set in one day and your life will be torn apart when you realize a lot of what people are saying has some truth to it. I'll be praying for you and your family.

    -- Posted by Curious 68 on Mon, Mar 9, 2009, at 6:52 AM
  • Whew! I think it's time to call Dr. Phil in on this one.....

    -- Posted by BloomburgBanter on Mon, Mar 9, 2009, at 7:27 AM
  • smc76

    Quote; "If you want to know, I am using a pc at another residence, I don't have one in my house. And you all can have your own opion about me."

    Oh I do have my own opinion! Is this a friends' computer, do you believe that they support you? and your desicion to enable your husband? I pitty your son! not you! hopefully cps will care enough for your son to get him out of that enviroment since you obviously do not. I think you should listen to the ex, she's the smart one in this scenerio at least from what I read, I don't know you or her, just my observation

    -- Posted by elynn66 on Mon, Mar 9, 2009, at 8:02 AM
  • when involving crimes or acts against children or the taking of their innocense we need to bring back public punishment let everyone see what happens we as a society have become to soft on these type of individuals

    -- Posted by ur-a-mentalmidget on Mon, Mar 9, 2009, at 9:15 AM
  • why is the person even on the street. he should be locked up for good.

    -- Posted by reds fan on Mon, Mar 9, 2009, at 10:31 AM
  • We have ALL sinned. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone! As humans, we are imperfect, and we make mistakes that affect ourselves and other people, it is unfortunate, but it has happened. It may be a lie, a betrayal, mispoke word, or something more difficult to understand. I am praying for the family that they will find healing, forgiveness and love from a community that can be ugly. I am the mother of a 14 year old girl and am thankful she was not involved in any way. There are lessons to be learned here for everyone. Neil, his family, and the community. Maybe this will be a wake up call to some other man in the community who suffers the same type of addiction. There IS redemption. There IS a new day!

    -- Posted by bloomfieldbeliever on Mon, Mar 9, 2009, at 11:08 AM
  • To smc73

    Don't you see that he didn't care about you or your child when he chose to engage in this very inappropriate conversation. He didn't even think of what kind of pain and humiliation this would cause his family. All I'm saying is before you stand by him remember he didn't stand by you and your child. I think maybe you need to put yourself on the otherside of this story and think about someone doing something like this to your child how would your feelings change?To bloomfieldbeliever Are you kidding me? You are very nieve, this very well could have been your 14 year old daughter. You should be very concerned for your own child Get a clue lady!

    -- Posted by Lintongirl on Wed, Mar 11, 2009, at 9:14 AM
  • lintongirl,

    I really like your perspective. I realized this man thought only of himself, but the way you put it shifted the focus for the woman concerned. As a husband and father, his first concern should have been his wife and child, to protect them from everything that could possible hurt them or impact them negatively. So first he ignored their needs for security and undermined the trust they placed in him. Then his actions put him in a position to be arrested and drew the public's focus to him and his family. So he disregarded possible future repercussions on them. His actions directly placed them on the front lines for public comment and forced them to defend themselves. The woman took the position of defending him and that much is on her, but if he truly loved her as I'm sure he claims, he would have thought ahead farther than the end of his..... (nose) and not cause her harm. Instead, he selfishly thought only of his, er, ugm, (nose) and did whatever he wanted to and she is reaping many of the consequenses of his choice.

    In her shoes, I would have to take a few minutes and think about that. I would realize that he abandoned me the moment he did that, and I would leave his (nose) to rot in jail and start over with my child. I would take out a restraining order to protect my child from potential harm from him. There are so many decent men out there that would never, for a moment, even THINK about doing that and I would find me one of those men once I had time to heal and my child healed. Life with a good, decent man is so worthwhile and rewarding. Nothing about this man would make it worthwhile to me.

    Thank you for your point of view. It is unique and accurate.

    Queenie

    -- Posted by Queenie_2008 on Wed, Mar 11, 2009, at 6:45 PM
  • Queenie

    Please let us all know where these good men are. I don't work with them, read about them in the paper and I sure don't know any.

    -- Posted by Curious 68 on Thu, Mar 12, 2009, at 7:20 AM
  • Curious,

    I've found them in different places. I don't think they congregate in one single location. But so often, when there is an initial "click", people begin dating without really getting to know each other first. I believe that when a person feels that initial spark they shouldn't just begin dating, but begin slowly. Build a friendship first, do group activities to see how that person reacts in various situations, giving you an opportunity to analyze behaviour and whether or not you can live with the qualities you see displayed. If the opportunity arises, ask friends and family of the one you are interested in about his/her good points and flaws. Listen with an open mind and weigh things carefully.

    Most people jump into relationships so quickly that by the time they find out he/she's a lemon, they've invested a lot of time and effort into the relationship and are reluctant to let go, even when their gut says they will end up splitting up at some point or that they should not be together.

    And if there are children, parents are way too quick to introduce the new partner to the children, exposing them to all sorts of potential harm, the least of which (and still painful) is the pain the children feel when the couple break up. Children don't feel secure when men and women are darting in and out of their lives rabbits in a fox hunt.

    If people truly got to know each other first as friends and then built on that relationship, they'd have a better chance at a long-lasting committed relationship. We have the rest of our lives to spend with that one right person; what a waste to spend that time searching, flipping in and out of bad relationships. And my way is faster too. By doing it the way most people do, one disasterous relationship after another, you are bound to just one individual at a time (if you are honorable), eliminating one person at a time. But by having friendships first, you can have multiple friendships at the same time with a clear conscience, and eliminate them quickly, thereby finding the right one faster.

    This is beginning to sound like a love advice column, which wasn't my intention. I apologize.

    But, by doing things the way I did, I may not have married until I was a bit older than most people when they have their first wedding, but I've only had ONE wedding, to my best friend and we've been together for 18 years. For me, at least, it worked. I found someone decent, honest, hard working, dependable, kind, compassionate, basically, every quality I wanted in a man. He runs 6 - 10 miles a day, so he's physically fit too. I didn't have to kiss a bunch of toads to find my prince. But, I made a lot of guy friends along the way and that's a nice benefit too. I can't have too many friends. As they married and settled down, their wives have become our friends.

    As to your original question, where to find them: Everywhere.

    My husband was my boss. Some of my other guy friends were brothers to my girlfriends, coworkers of other friends, men I started conversations with at the grocery store, the guy who used to mow my father's yard when I was younger, a mechanic that worked on our family's cars (he married my sister). They're everywhere. Once key is not to get hung up on looks. See the heart. Women (and men) get so hung up on physical appearance. But we all get old someday and what we are left with is the inner person. If he's a handsome jerk when he's 25, he'll be a wrinkled, white-haired jerk when he's 65. Who wants to spend their retirement years stuck with an ugly old jerk. But if he's an average, or even unattractive sweetheart with great qualities when he's 25, then he'll be a wrinkled, sweetheart with great qualities when he's 65 too. And I'd love to sit on the porch swing holding hands in my twilight years with just such a man. Beauty fades, bad attitude gets worse with age. Don't listen to a man's words. Some men are born charmers. Watch him. His actions speak louder than words. Some good advice: Watch the way he treats his mother. The respect he gives his mother is the same respect he'll give his wife. If he's rude or condescending or uncompassionate (etc) with her, he will be with you. Actions tell you what you need to know. But it has to be over a period of time, when he forgets you're watching. What makes him angry? How does he handle it? Does he yell, throw things? Mine talks. That's it. When he's upset, he asks me to sit down and talk. He has never in all these years raised his voice to me once. He is the same way with his mother, and his step mother.

    Look around you. Who do you work with? Who is your sister's husband's best friend? Who works on your car? Who plows your driveway? Who sits alone at church? If these men aren't single, watch to see who they hang out with. These men know single men.

    Great men are out there. But they aren't at the bars, which is where a lot of women go hunting. All you will find there are men who like to party. While that may be entertaining, it's not marraige material. I know some guys who go to the bars regularly. None of them can maintain a committed relationship. The alcohol/lifestyle interferes eventually.

    Well, enough advice from Queenie of the Lovelorn! lol.

    Good luck in your search, and I hope I may have given some useful words of wisdom. If not, then at least I hope it was entertaining. Sorry if it was a diatribe. I didn't mean it that way.

    Take Care,

    Queenie

    -- Posted by Queenie_2008 on Thu, Mar 12, 2009, at 7:44 PM
  • To somewhat "quote" the Bible, "If thy hand offend the, cut it off." I can think of a few random body parts I'd like to put out/sever in the cases of convicted child molesters..Not so long ago, before we had all this "proper justice" either family members/family friends would have "taken care" of matters. But not in todays society. We send them to trial 15 times and they appeal and then they suck the system dry and sit in prison/county jail for years--oh and YES I do have the right to gripe becuase I AM PAYING FOR IT! I have worked for IDOC as well as TDCJ. Texas has a great justice system, It's sort of like the express line @ the store--you asked for it--they will gladly help you OUT.

    -- Posted by mkeller64 on Thu, Mar 12, 2009, at 8:28 PM
  • very good advice queenie! I met my husband 28 years ago and he's still my best friend! please read queenie's advice! especially the last paragraph! they are out there I get ask everyday "do you know any good women?" and its by good men who will not go to the bars and will not do the club scene so I suggest focus on activities (community, church, club...) they really are out there. its kinda sad, they are looking for the good gals!!!

    -- Posted by elynn66 on Sat, Mar 14, 2009, at 1:34 PM
  • elynn66,

    Thank you. And congratulations on your good man, but more importantly, on recognizing that he is a good man and maintaining the relationship; for not trying to find greener grass. Once we find a treasure, we are smart to take care of it (him).

    Queenie

    -- Posted by Queenie_2008 on Mon, Mar 16, 2009, at 9:40 AM
  • my husband and i have been together for ten years we have three small children together I could not imagine raising my children without their daddy and I could not imagine my life without him in it... There are good guys and gals out there people don't ever settle for less than you or your children deserve..

    -- Posted by PROUD_MOMMY09 on Tue, Mar 17, 2009, at 12:56 PM
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