BW needs to show some improvement

When I first enrolled in college students who were failing at mid-term received a smoke up. BW needs a smoke up on improving her skills and contributions to my life. She tries but fails to reach the level and conditions that make my life better. After all she agreed a long time ago to be my helpmeet (King James Version) and in many ways she has succeeded but in many others her skills are sadly lacking and should be upgraded. After all if she fails to improve her skills over time they will erode and she will become less than a helpmeet.

Let me aver that BW is an excellent cook. The food she prepares is legendary but one thing is lacking. I eat and satiate my hunger but the story does not end there. Soon I am hungry again. Why? It doesn't last. This scenario plays out every day. Do you see her failure here? If she is not to be blamed who is?

BW is also an excellent seamstress. She has been sewing since 4-H was still 3-H. Over the years she sewed clothing for our children and now our granddaughters. She has sewed many garments for me as well. However, the garments she made for the girls wore out and had to be replaced. Or they became too small and had to be given to others or sold at yard sales. Why couldn't she have foreseen those circumstances and prevented them?

Over the years I have developed an anatomical condition known as acnestis. It is not limited to Geezers and can attack the unsuspecting at any age. As my awareness has increased I have concluded that I have had it all of my life but the passage of time has aggravated it. No doctor has been able to cure it. No over the counter medicines have eased the condition. I have been to witch doctors and even a medicine man who put on a show on the courthouse lawn and then sold his ancient snake oil that was good for all aches, pains, maladies real and perceived. No luck. My plans call for a telethon to rival Jerry Lewis to find a cure. I am not too alarmed because acnestis is the condition of having an itch in a place one cannot reach to scratch.

I have developed several strategies to scratch my back. Why does my back itch more than the rest of my body? There is the wooden scratcher that feels great. A long bristle brush that looks like a large fuller brush, made in Japan really works wonderfully. The brick wall in our office library and is quite effective. However, the very best scratching is done by fingernails. So I call upon BW to ply her magic 10-fingered scratcher on my rather expansive acnestis area. She does and it feels super great. Back scratching feels great for a while. Then a few hours later, days later, my back itches again. Acnestis rears its ugly head again. It doesn't last long. Why not? Work on it girl. I am mailing her a smoke up this week.

Larry grew up north of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School. He lives in Plainfield and can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or (317) 839-7656. Write him at Larry Vandeventer 6860 Sunrise Drive, Plainfield, Ind., 46168. He has written five books.