Trip notes from BRANMO

BW and I took a Holiday Trip to Branmo [Branson, Missouri] last week. I have some observations about our trip.

The Missouri state police had some interesting digital signs to get me to drive safely: “Don we now our fastened seat belts, fa la la la la;la,la,la,la;” “Be a Wise Man , Buckle up, phone down;” “It’s a car, not a sleigh, stop flying.”

Every place I fueled the car there was a message on the pump screen that said, “Remove the nozzle and pump gas.” I didn’t have any tools to remove the nozzle and they did not furnish any. Furthermore, the shut-off valve would not work without the nozzle. I was a scofflaw and left it on.

At one rest stop several miles into Indiana from Illinois there was a sign that said, “Tell us about your experience.” I called the number listed and reported, “I was born on a farm, had a brother and sister, started my education in a two-room country school, I have four college degrees, two children, two grandchildren, worked in………At that moment a rude person interrupted me and said, “I am not interested in your life history and I am not amused.” I rebutted, “Then why do you have the sign on the wall that reads tell us about your experience?” I was amused.

We stopped to fuel the car and to visit Ft. Necessity. BW purchased an industrial sized diet caffeine-free “Kokoller” in a Styrofoam cup for $.79. After regaining I-64 I took a pull on the straw and tried to place it in the cup holder. Think again, pilgrim. The cup holder had been re-purposed as a storage unit that held two pairs of sunglasses, one regular pair of cheater glasses, two ballpoint pens, emery board, fingernail clippers, a pack of chewing gum, used tissue and half of a bacon cheeseburger from the last stop. I had to steer with my left hand and hold the cup with my right arm. It took a while but we finally drank all of the contents then we shoved the bottom end into the back seat, rested the open end in the notch between the front seats and it was re-purposed as the storage unit.

I really hate motel/hotel toilet bowls that are so small a Hobbit could not use them. In many places the toilet bowl is the size of the typical can we buy green beans and peas in at Kroger, and it is sitting on the floor. Visualize a larger than the average size Geezer hovering over it like a helicopter with one blade missing or a hummingbird with a bad wing, his knees popping like a popcorn popper at the State Theater in Worthington, Indiana, or a large sassafras log burning in the fireplace, his thighs are quivering like Santa’s belly, as he tries to score a landing and complete the mission. Agonizingly the requisite paperwork needed to complete the mission is always under one armpit and it is .25 ply. “Houston we have a landing. Mission accomplished.” Now is there enough thrust to blast off and reenter orbit.

[Larry Vandeventer. Go to my two websites – Larryvandeventer.com and wjrambler1956.com – and purchase my books. I grew up North of Calvertville and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State. Contact me at Goosecrick@aol.com or 812-796-0784]