This will get you flagged by the TSA

I would rather pass a kidney stone than fly. The truth is I have never passed a kidney stone unless one was along the road as I roared by in my 2004 Buick. And I may have exaggerated this a bit. Well some. BW, my proofer and editor, said, “It’s more than some!”

If Sammy Stress were flying cross country he would be plagued with more stress. It is not the flying but the process of getting to the airport, getting through all of the lines and checkpoints and then finally boarding the plane. If you look in the dictionary and find the word stress you will find a picture of a Hoosier Hillbilly standing in line at the airport holding a rope attached to a mule.

I read an interesting article written by a frequent world traveler, Iget LostAlot. He wrote about the behaviors that will insure that you will be flagged by the TSA at every airport in America including Bushrod International Airport in Bushrod, IN.

I get discussed talking about weapons, Travelling with coffee, Not taking out all liquids, Not checking a kid’s bag, Any type of unusual item, Getting out of line, Carrying a lot of cash, Let stress show, Not having proper ID, Proof of medicines and carrying Unusual or different kinds of toothbrushes in your carry-on bag. I don’t understand all of his items but he travels more than I do.

I have some relevant and significant suggestions to add to LostAlot’s list if you are considering flying on one of America’s fine airlines.

It is best that you remove all liquids from your possession. There are, however, appropriate procedures and locations to do so. If you see a sign near a restroom that says wet floor, that does not mean to remove your bodily fluids at that spot. Not only will you be apprehended you will also be handed a mop and bucket.

If you come riding up the line on your JD-3400 six-cylinder, 32 horsepower lawn mower with four-cutting blades under the deck and a dorm-sized refrigerator attached to the right side and a microwave oven on the left side pulling a two-wheel cart with an insecticide sprayer in it, expect to be flagged.

If you come to the line carrying your fifth-grade report card as proper identification you will be flagged. Unless your fifth-grade teacher has quit teaching and signed on with TSA so he can make a living wage. If your driver’s license was issued by the government of Paraguay and expires in 2055 and is written on a piece of Llama skin, get out of line. You aren’t going to be allowed on that airplane.

Don’t come to the line leading two goats with a 25-foot yellow Burmese Python wrapped around your neck. All TSA employees will gather around you and take selfies. I guarantee that you will be stopped and given a mental health exam and strip-searched out in the middle of the terminal as they look for your brain.

[Larry Vandeventer. Go to my two websites – Larryvandeventer.com and wjrambler1956.com – and purchase my books. I grew up North of Calvertville and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State. Contact me at Goosecrick@aol.com or 812-796-0784]