*NOT* your daily horoscope! Again!

Uninspired and rushed for time, I decided to take the weenie way out of a column this week and reprint an old favorite. Forgive. I went through and made it 23% funnier and 18% more entertaining than when I wrote it in March 2018. That’s just an estimate, everything’s funnier when you’re tired, so.

Okay, so I had myself a brainstorming session the other day (it’s still overcast and drizzly in there but I’ll heal.)

The reason for my brainstorming session was to create a list of subject ideas for this column, enough ideas to last me awhile.

I’m not sure if any of you blog, or vlog, or jog, own a frog, live in Prague under skies full of smog, love to clog, pet a dog, chug some grog or sometimes hog, but sitting in front of a blank template trying to think of things to write about that anyone will actually care to read is no easy task. What if I sound ignorant? What if I sound like a big dumb jerk? What if I sound like a weirdo? What if I just sound stupid? Well, I generally sound stupid, so that one doesn’t frighten me at all. What if I offend somebody? I don’t want to offend anyone and hopefully I never do but, as usual, I digress. (Ow, my ADHD!)

I made my list using the help of the internets and of “list” websites. I came up with 56 different writing prompts, so prepare to be soooo entertained for the next year or so.

One of my very favorite styles of writing is satire. I also love sarcasm and word play but there I go digressing again. Satire, sarcasm and parody. And also word play. That won’t surprise anybody who has ever had a conversation with me or seen the groaners I love to post on Facebook.

So, here is my latest attempt at satire. How many times have I said satire so far? The answer is four and the reason I’ve said it four times now is that I REALLY want you to know I’m not being serious. I’m being clever and funny, sort of. Mostly, as I mentioned, I don’t want to offend anyone who might not notice the five times I have mentioned satire so far (see what I did there?) and mistake this post as me being serious. I’m not. Like, almost never. And now...

*NOT* Your Daily Horoscope of satire ;-):

ARIES (March 21 to April 19) Don’t even try telling jokes today. No one will get them and you’re really not that funny anyway. Go home. Education is a possibility, as is the return of that pesky flaky heel skin. Moisturize and please go home.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Count to ten, Dear Taurus. Or five if ten is too daunting. Daunting means very hard, maybe impossible, to do. Patience is not your strong suit today, or ever. Try not to be so stubborn and you might learn something. Just kidding, chill out. Creativity is highlighted as you imagine ways to be patient and less stubborn. Chill out.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) You are the sign of the twins, and as such, do everything double today! Have two bowls of oatmeal, wear two hats, take twice as many breaks at work. Have more than one excuse ready for your boss, though. Take twice as long to proceed at a four-way-stop and double your video game or TV-watching time today. Do it two it!

CANCER (June 21 to July 22) As the sign of the crab, you should be pinching people way more often and coming out of your shell less often. Start with friends and loved ones and others who will not press charges or beat you with a sock full of rocks. Try out your new pinching skills on strangers at a local retailer. Bring bail money and a good antibiotic.

LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) Leo, you are a majestic lion, the king of beasts. Most of the time. Sometimes you are a big lazy baby sea lion in a bubble bath, and sometimes you are the Cowardly Lion. This month, take pride in your appearance, let your inner dandy lion shine, don’t steal any sheep’s clothing and don’t worry about every little detail...just the mane things. Rawr.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22) Oh, Virgo. You are such a perfectionist and make everything you do look so effortless. You perfect little turd. I admire you and am inspired by you and you stink and I’m jealous. But come on, you really are making the rest of us look bad so could you dial it down a notch? Seriously, just be average for once and give the rest of us a chance to be awesome.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) Libra, Libra, Libra...You are practically perfect in every way. So creative, so compassionate and so gifted in all the things. Did I mention so fashionable? You’re so fashionable. And smart, too. And pretty. Also charming and magnetic. And wise. Also somewhat of a smarty-pants. Rock on. (YES, I’M A LIBRA)

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) The scorpion is the totem animal of your sign and anyone who knows a Scorpio or has a scorpion tattoo can see why. You’re quick to defend what you own and what you love, you have a big venomous stinger up your butt but sometimes your possessive nature can sting like that thorn at the end of your tail. Learn to let go. Also learn to stop stinging, it hurts.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) You’re so adventurous, Sagittarius. So honest (brutally), so smart (and so willing to brag about it), so caring (and boastful about it), so deep (deeply impatient), and wild (also careless). You’re bold and feisty and you love it when people listen to you. Never change because DANG you’re fun to hang out with..

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) The sign of the goat. Wait, the goat? Wow, sorry about that. This ambitious, driven goat will stop at nothing to succeed and will gladly head-butt anyone to win anything. Very disciplined, persistent and opinionated. Really good cheese, though. Greatest Of All Time, in fact.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18) The zodiac’s pants-wetting waterboy, Aquarius is the eleventh sign, perhaps the zodiac saved the best for almost-last? Hmmm...you are tech-savvy, open-minded, logical, passionate, friendly, forward-thinking and confident. You are also, however, self-destructive, rebellious, guarded, aloof, eccentric and emotionally detached. I’ll leave it up to your friends to figure you out. Hopefully you hang out with Libras. Good day to buy a lottery ticket.

PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) Something smells fishy about you, Pisces. Are those gills you’re wearing? Lovely. Those born under the sign of the fish can be sensitive and dreamy and may have psychic abilities. You can be a clingy fish but you’re always there to help a friend, you fishy-wishy fish. Get your head out of the clouds and come back down to earth. Wait... I meant water. Glub glub.

Patti is not a staff writer anymore for the Greene County Daily World, she passed that goal to grab her some editor cheese a couple of years ago. Now she thinks she’s so cool, ugh. She loves to laugh and also loves kitties. She’s kind of weird but has a heart of gold. If you would like to share a story or just make a friend, she can be reached at pdanner@gcdailyworld.com.