I opened the box and saw four hours of frustrated swearing ahead......
*Disclaimer* I love my big sister with all of my heart and she likes it when I pick on her.
I’ve written about my big sister, Judy, before. From a family of seven, she and I are the only ones still standing (well, mostly we prefer sitting because we ain’t no spring chickens anymore). But we are the last living ones of the mom, dad and five siblings our family used to be.
I love her to death and she drives me insane. I probably drive her insane, too.
Being the big sister, it’s very important to her to be looked up to, respected and adored, but I have a very hard time with any of those. Always have, I’m kind of a rebel.
She has a selective memory at best, and every time she tells someone new an old story, the story gets a little more fabulous/impressive/hilarious. She adds details that don’t belong and paints a picture of the past in which she was basically perfect but I remember things differently.
Maybe my perspective was different because I was the youngest, she the next-to-oldest, but when she tells stories of our past, I have to leave the room unless I want people to think I’m having a stroke. I twitch, make strangled mouth sounds and fidget like I’m sitting next to Grandpa in church and he’s out of Life Savers.
Last time I wrote about her, I told the tale of the COD birthday gift. She mailed me a pair of Seahawks earrings in a regular, white envelope that I had to pay $2 to claim at the post office.
Several things askew here. Not only did I basically have to pay the cost of shipping (she had stuck two stamps to the envelope, whoa big spender), but I’m not a football fan and I DON’T WEAR EARRINGS. I strongly suspect she bought them for herself and threw them into an envelope from her jewelry box when she remembered she owed me a birthday gift. It’s the thought that counts?
Sigh. Sisters, am I right?
I should mention the gift I sent for her last birthday. It is a table lamp that looks like a bonsai tree and I ordered it on Amazon from a reputable seller. You’ll understand why that’s important by the time you finish reading this.
So, this year, she sent me a text with a link to the item she planned to send me for my birthday, a “magical LED leaf lamp” from Walmart.com. This is a good time to mention I LOVE surprises and anticipation is a thrill to me, not a frustration. The link to the item ruined any hope of a surprise and, at the same time, made a promise that this was the gift I was going to receive. The link took me to a description and video of this lamp that looks like a houseplant, but the leaves light up in beautiful colors and patterns. You can change the patterns and time them and even sync them to music. Whee! I loved it and looked forward to its arrival.
Two weeks later, she sends a video of a table lamp, out of the box and at her home. It’s geometric, shaped like Picasso’s rendering of Washington’s Monument and, quite frankly, hideous. She sends photos of the remote control and the instructions too, for some reason.
To be continued.........
Patti is the editor of the Greene County Daily World. She loves kitty-cats, chocolate anything and being alone. If you would like to share a story (or some chocolate) she can be reached at email@example.com.