Smart phones are really, really dumb!

Posted Tuesday, July 5, 2011, at 3:32 PM

Recently I watched a television program on the History Channel that discussed the top 100 inventions of all times in chronological order.

The list is most revealing about what people of today feel is vital. It is important that you realize that those who compiled the list were arbitrary and capricious. They stated that the No. 1 invention of all time is the smart phone, hereinafter referred to as SP. The list must have been compiled by a group of teenagers and those who are addicted to SPs and the myriad of progeny begat by them. I am so dumb I don't even own a SP.

I borrowed a SP from a teenager who lives down the street and tried to use it to mow my yard last week and failed miserably. I concluded that a lawn mower is more important to me than a SP. As things eventuate, however, such an app is probably being developed. BW was out distributing some of our discretionary income to needy merchants of the community in an effort to boost the economy when she discovered her car had a flat tire. She called and moaned, "What can I do?" I replied in my best snarky voice, "Just use your SP to change it." "Really," she perked, "how do I do that?" "You can't," I smirked. She is so gullible some times. I had to go use the car jack and rescue her. That SP was useless compared to the jack.

Yesterday my mind was in the gutter most of the day. It was my day for annual gutter and downspout maintenance. I hate that job. I used a hammer, power drill, screwdriver, two hands, a stepladder, roofing and nails and deck screws. The first day I took BW's phone out to the yard, held it up and waited. Nothing. An SP is absolutely worthless when it comes to gutters and downspouts.

We have had a microwave oven for more than 30 years and use it multiple times every day. At lunch yesterday I removed some scrumptious leftovers from the General Electric spring-house and placed them on the counter. Then I held BW's SP next to them for warming. Nothing happened. The big bagel. I called Rachel Ray and she talked to the food. Zip. Zero. I had to nuke them. Which is more important? I think you know. Smart Phones are completely stupid in heating leftover food.

I run things around my house: The dishwasher, the garbage disposal, the washer and dryer, the dust mop, the vacuum sweeper and an old-fashioned string mop. You know what is coming next. If a SP is so smart and useful why can't I relegate those duties to it? Need I say more? If congressman Weiner had been half as smart as my string mop he would not have been using his SP to display his ... well never mind.

Smart Phones are just plain dumb and inept in most of life's vital applications. I rest my case.

Larry grew up north of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State University. He can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or 317-839-7656. Write him at 6860 Sunrise Drive, Plainfield, Ind., 46168. He has written five books.

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I tried to do my banking on the microwave at work the other day while on lunch. It didn't do anything. Useless.

My lawnmower refuses to read me the news, despite my attempts.

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It's a tool. It's not important to YOU until YOU have a use for it.

-- Posted by per moenia urbis on Tue, Jul 5, 2011, at 8:08 PM
hmmm....

Seems to me everything that you listed in this article could be learned from a smart-phone.

Point in case:

"BW was out distributing some of our discretionary income to needy merchants of the community in an effort to boost the economy when she discovered her car had a flat tire."

I believe there's a thing called roadside assistance. Any phone can dial that. However, a smart-phone could locate the nearest service station or tire shop to get help if needed.

"Yesterday my mind was in the gutter most of the day. It was my day for annual gutter and downspout maintenance. I hate that job. I used a hammer, power drill, screwdriver, two hands, a stepladder, roofing and nails and deck screws. The first day I took BW's phone out to the yard, held it up and waited. Nothing. An SP is absolutely worthless when it comes to gutters and downspouts"

I bet that smart-phone could have been used to access Google or a myriad of other search engines to figure out the best way to maintain gutters and downspouts.

"We have had a microwave oven for more than 30 years and use it multiple times every day. At lunch yesterday I removed some scrumptious leftovers from the General Electric spring-house and placed them on the counter. Then I held BW's SP next to them for warming. Nothing happened. The big bagel. I called Rachel Ray and she talked to the food. Zip. Zero. I had to nuke them. Which is more important? I think you know. Smart Phones are completely stupid in heating leftover food."

I believe in this instance there are two things to point out. 1) A smart-phone can probably teach you a much better way to cook a bagel than microwaving it. It has apps and the internet with access to the best cooking minds out there. 2) If you use said cooking apps or use the internet to access something like foodnetwork.com, I bet that you could learn how to cook so that leftovers are null and void. I know I learned how to make better food, in proportions suited for the size of group that I am feeding, just by using sources available from my smart-phone (which by the way is an Android device).

You see, just as per moenia urbis said, a smart-phone is a tool. As such, it will only be as smart (or as useless) as the user.

-- Posted by jhobbs on Tue, Jul 5, 2011, at 10:28 PM
Haha, I thought the article was funny (until I read the comments. Way to ruin it you two)! You remind me a lot of my grandparents, who actually do own a flip cell phone but for the most part don't use it. They were born in a time when most people didn't have phones. I wouldn't expect them to learn to use a smartphone now at 86!

-- Posted by acutabove on Wed, Jul 6, 2011, at 7:31 AM
...which is why the title of these blogs is "MY WORLD" not 'Your World.' :)

Yet legit points made (I was thinking the same thing!).

-- Posted by agastro on Wed, Jul 6, 2011, at 1:27 PM
It is a computer that you can carry in your pocket. It can do 10000 things. Your lawn mower can do one.

Get one. Write your next article on it while waiting for your wife in the store and then tell me it's useless.Send it to the newspaper with a picture taken with it of you sitting in your carwhile your at it. Then play some Angry Birds until she is done.

I rest my case.

-- Posted by CalvertnotCalverts on Thu, Jul 7, 2011, at 7:12 PM

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