It is hot. How hot is it? June and the first two weeks in July were like the rain forest. What a change. Now it is so hot and dry the camels in the Louisville Zoo have purchased airline tickets to the Sahara Desert Round Up to escape the heat – stand by. They refuse to cooperate as they stand about in the shade singing that old Sons of The Pioneers hit, “All day we face the barren waste without a taste of water, cool, clear water.” The foreman of the group protested, “We don’t care what humans say, we are thirsty.”
The asphalt walkways and parking lots at “Outer Mallgolia” are bubbling like a pancake just before you flip it over. Vendors at Holiday World closed the popcorn machines and began selling microwave popcorn. Customers merely hold the bags in their hands and it fully pops in three minutes or less.
The poppy seeds in my salad at lunch time began to sprout. People trudge around with sweat rings under their arms as large as those around Saturn. The horses on the carousel at King’s Island refuse to work. They are all grouped in front of one of those water mist fans.
It is so hot and humid that Splash Island is now called Splashing Sahara. Santa and his reindeer showed up for work today at Holiday World wearing nothing but speedos and thongs. It was not pretty. I must use this old bromide, “It is hotter than a depot stove.” My neighbor turned on his lawn sprinklers and all that came out was dust and steam. The Ice cream truck came down the street and when it stopped it melted into a puddle of goo and stuck to the curb. The witch in the Wizard of Oz production really melted. The hot dog food truck in New Albany is selling frozen hot dogs on a stick.
The Global warming gurus are smugly nagging and saying, “See! What did I tell you? Believe me now?” Elmo Harrow, a farmer over in Harrison County grows popcorn. The ears began popping in the field. One ear was heard saying to another, “I told you to wear sunscreen.” Some of our neighbors are using their mailboxes as toaster ovens.
A wiseacre smarty-pants guy at King’s Island asked, “Hot enough for you” and was pelted into submission with empty sunblock tubes. Lucifer’s angels are in town shopping for window air conditioners. Turtles are coming out of their shells fanning themselves.
Heat makes things expand so I realized that I am not fat, I’m just hot. It is so hot I have to wear oven mitts on the steering wheel of the old Buick.
Chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs. People are eating habanero peppers to cool off. Mason Jarr who lives across the street cooked two chickens on his rotisserie yesterday without any fire.
The best parking place downtown is determined by shade not distance. Some people are worried about falling on the asphalt and cooking to death. I got heat cramps while walking from the bedroom to the living room.
It is so hot and dry here in SoIN-R that the Ohio River is only running 18 hours today. People at Holiday World are dragging about, sweating; smelling like bacon frying. A family visiting from Arizona was complaining about the weather when a smiling Hoosier chided them by saying, “Yeah, but it is a wet heat.”
[Larry Vandeventer. Go to my two websites – Larryvandeventer.com and wjrambler1956.com – and purchase my books. I grew up North of Calvertville and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State. Contact me at Goosecrick@aol.com or 812-796-0784]