BW and I had a family meeting. Both of us were in attendance. In a stream of consciousness we realized that we have allowed ourselves to fall out of style and recognized that we are no longer considered in step with the world. Admitting that we have the problem was the first step in solving the problem. So we developed an action plan and implemented it.
The first step we took was to purchase a Chisnapnervosa dog. Not to be outdone by the likes of Paris Hilton and Brittney Spears, BW now carries Chippy in her arms everywhere she goes, even the best restaurants like Bob's Gravy Over Everything Cafť. Chippy weighs about 14 ounces and is so cute that BW can't help kissing him on the lips and feeding him from the sushi bar.
Chippy looks like a hair ball that the cat hacked up but he is so doggone cute I even pet him occasionally. We started with a St. Bernard but within a couple of months BW could not lift it and when they leave a memento it is a memento of such proportions that no one wants to clean it up.
We saw an advertisement that intoned, "Being at home alone all day can get pretty tedious for animals. Dogs can become severely depressed, suffer separation anxiety and become bored."
Although we are home much of the time now, we still spurred our tired horses into action and purchased a dog video. It has dogs chasing sticks, playing Frisbee, swimming to retrieve ducks shot by the owner, sleeping at the master's feet and barking at the moon. We also have subscribed to the DogCatRadio.com, a new Internet radio station just for animals. We can now hear the nauseating Christmas song with dogs barking Jingle Bells all year long.
BW also has a cat named Sir Nip and Tuck. Sir has the attention span of a gnat and demands that he be entertained at all times. I think his brain is stuck somewhere between park and neutral. So we purchased a cat video that was advertised on television. It shows cats being active, playing with a yarn ball, chasing their tails, chasing birds and bugs, sleeping and being cats. We play that on our large screen TV and Sir Nip sits as watches it for hours. He never tires. I think he is brain dead.
I am in contact with several television producers with an idea for a show. Since so many pets like to watch television I am proposing a shows titled, "American Idol, Pet Edition." It would have much more class than the current inane shows about America's favorite pets and dumb pet tricks on Letterman.
"These options may not work for pets that are bored," stated Suzanne Hetts of Animal Behavior Associates in Littleton, Col., "but leaving the TV on will not address the panic some animals experience when left alone."
She added, "The critters may need individualized therapy from an animal behaviorist."
We have an appointment with Dr. Bark O. Plenty next week. We feel the rejuvenation flowing and the satisfaction that we are now accepted in finer circles.
(To be continued.)
Larry Vandeventer grew up north of Calvertville, graduated from Worthington High School and can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or at 6860 Sunrise Drive, Plainfield, Ind., 46168 or by phone at (317) 839-7656. He has written five books about his experiences.