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Tuesday, Sep. 23, 2014

Some things you should never purchase used

Posted Wednesday, November 12, 2008, at 8:31 AM

I do not recommend that you purchase used hay but that is contingent upon what you intend to do with it.

Worthington sponsored a parade each summer in my callow youth as an appendage to the Greene County fair. Floats floated. Bands played. Tractors tractored. Fire and police departments sirened. Horses horsed around. Linton had the Fourth of July parade.

Big doin's. The last entry was a group of men with a wheelbarrow wielding shovels and brooms as they picked up the Road Apples. They always had a sign on the cart saying, "Used Hay for Sale" that usually evoked much jocundity -- laughter.

If you need browse, ensilage, or food for your animals do not purchase used hay. If, however, you may be searching for fertilizer to grow strawberries, purchase it.

I have many fond memories of my years of dating and early marriage. Those were wonderfully heart-warming experiences with those of the opposite gender. I often felt all swimmy headed trying to understand why "they" acted and behaved as "they" did. I recall an episode on Gunsmoke, the early years, when Chester Good was Marshall Dillon's deputy. Chester wasn't feeling well one day and he said, "Mr. Dillon, I feel all swimmy headed." Dr. Adams chimed in to counsel Chester, "By Golly Chester, you are eating too many beans and meat. Eat more greens and it will make you feel better."

Well perhaps I should have eaten more greens and it would have helped me understand that other gender more fully. In our dating years and early marriage BW could use one tissue seemingly for days. I remember tabbing it as "Forty Blows" as she could wipe tears and blow her nose continually on the same tissue.

I often felt like a passenger on the USS Ignoramus out of Nowhereville. I added it to my mental list of girl stuff or another big reason why girls cried for absolutely no reason at all. However, those experiences did teach me to be careful and to never purchase a used Kleenex or any other kind of tissues. I don't even have to discuss Charmin, Cottonelle, Northern, Coronet or Slicker and Thinner from the Dollar Store.

There is another item to discuss that is of an extremely delicate nature but to dismiss it would be cowardly journalism. There are few items that I will go to the store and try on. Few. However, it is my observation that most "girls," and that includes any and all of that other gender beginning with my second-grade granddaughter up and beyond the woman I live with, will go into a store and try on nearly everything including light bulbs.

Let me say I have never tried on a swimming suit in my life in the store. I look at it, decide if I like it and either reject it or purchase it and I am out of there. Not those of the other gender. They try them on and then decide. And then they purchase those used suits. Not me.

I don't have space to talk about tongue depressors, bowling shoes, lipstick, lollipops, deodorant, underwear and false teeth.

My motto is Caveatis Secondicus Handicus Thingicus. You figure it out.

Larry Vandeventer grew up north of Calvertville, graduated from Worthington High School and can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or at 6860 Sunrise Drive, Plainfield, Ind., 46168 or by phone at (317) 839-7656. He has written five books about his experiences.


Comments
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But of course you forgot to say the band from Switz City (I was a member) was always put behind the horses. I recall Mr Harris was livid one year, we refused to get in line in that spot.

-- Posted by gary g on Sun, Nov 30, 2008, at 8:38 PM

What a breath of fresh air this column is. I loved it, and can't wait for more.

-- Posted by Bathe on Fri, Nov 14, 2008, at 1:30 PM

Loved the article, made me smile, lighthearted and funny, thanks.

-- Posted by sassy12 on Thu, Nov 13, 2008, at 2:50 AM


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