This is the season for lotions. Wait a minute, all seasons are seasons for women to take the cruise on the Rub It In Cruise Line on the Lotion Ocean. We have a humidifier on our furnace yet BW complains that her skin is drier than a John McCain campaign speech.
We have kelp growing on the walls of our house but it is too dry. Algae, or as we used to call it frog butter, grows in our sinks and toilet tanks but it is too dry in our house. The throw rug in my bathroom looks like a wetland but it is too dry in our house. Cricky, an alligator lives under our bed but it is too dry in our house.
I have overheard zillions of conversations of women during my 14 lustrums on this earth. They all decry the problem of dry skin. Have you ever wondered why women carry such large purses or bags? It is because they have oceans of lotions for every conceivable situation.
"Oh, Anne, I have found the perfect lotion for dry skin on my forehead. It is made of frangiapani fruit with kiwi skins and heart of hickory. Lourdes Lotion makes it in France."
"Yes, and I have perfect remedy for dry knees and toes. It is made from extract of humming bird tongues with musk from a Siberian Musk Ox and must be applied with a brush made from the chin whiskers of an albino llama from the highlands of Peru."
"My heels are so dry and scratchy I use a lotion from Ralph's Very Nice Store in Vandalia. It is called Heelbow. It is made from slippery elm bark, raspberries and frog butter mixed with an udder elixir from contented cows in the New Hebrides Islands."
This just in. This is worth breaking in on The Price Is Right during the Showcase Showdown. The most effective emollient is pure lard not that lard light stuff. Slather it on and dry skin is gone. However, it doesn't have an aroma of apple pie or of an exotic South Sea island Guava Passion Fruit mixed with paw paws. Warning: You may be followed around by a pack of sniffing dogs looking for a treat not manufactured by Kibbles and Bits. And you may develop a craving for BLT sandwiches.
My company, Goosecrick, Ink., headed by Barney Fife, provides services as a tanning salon, used tire store and worldwide Spy and Undercover Detective Agency. Company headquarters are located in Calvertville, Ind., with branch offices in Bushrod/Bee Hunter, Ind., and Monkey's Eyebrow Gap, Ky.
In a recent report, Sleuth Fife stated that all "fru fru" boutiques and department stores have a machine in the back room. An 18 wheeler tanker truck delivers the lotion to the back door. Multiple bottles and containers are delivered by FedEx. Then they fill all of those containers with the same lotion, slap a different label on it and women flock in to purchase a particular lotion for a particular problem area. Psssst! Lard is cheaper.
Larry grew up north of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School. He lives in Plainfield and can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or (317) 839-7656. Write him at Larry Vandeventer 6860 Sunrise Drive, Plainfield, Ind., 46168.