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Thursday, May 23, 2013
Some day we're going to be too scared to get out of bedPosted Tuesday, November 30, 2010, at 2:19 PM
Warning! Danger! Every day we are being blasted with more and more warnings of imminent danger from the bizarre possibilities of life that we are being scared senseless. The media is one huge hyperbole machine. There are so many experts any more that I wonder where have the usual and normal people gone.
The Internet is a huge dispenser of nonsense and misinformation often from the perspective of a twisted individual who lives to cause alarm.
President Ronald Reagan said to Nancy after an assassination attempt on his life, "I forgot to duck." Jack Dempsey said it first to his wife after he lost the heavy weight boxing championship. "I shoulda stood in bed," is a popular saying in Highland Township north of Calvertville.
Another expert warned, "If you walk for exercise drink plenty of water or you could lapse into a coma." Wow, thanks Mr. Walkathon, I don't think I will walk again.
Be afraid of escalators especially if you have children. Be sure your shoes are tied tightly, stand in the middle of the step, hold onto the rail or you might get sucked down into escalator Hades to die there in the oil and lint never to be seen again.
I have been petrified about bed bugs recently. Suddenly they are more to be feared than terrorists. Why hasn't homeland security been involved in this? The media blares out that one of the most prestigious hotels in New York City is infested! Media shrills, "There has been a 2,354 percent increase in bed bug reporting in the last year alone." Your mattress is a filthy cesspool of bed bugs and dust mites. A recent advertisement said, "If your old mattress weighs 50 pounds at least 25 of those pounds are dust mites and bed bugs." Ewwww. And new mattresses are filled with toxic carcinoembryonic antigens that can cause cancer or reduce sleepers to babbling, mouth breathing, knuckle dragging, drooling "stupifors."
Did you know that your cell phone can cause disabilities? Yes! A study was done in which lab rats used cell phones 24 hours per day for seven years and they developed an uncontrollable urge to try to keep up with the Kardashians.
Just shoot me now. Do you know that your cutting board and kitchen counter top have more germs on them than the toilet seats in the bus station in downtown Calcutta, India? Don't even consider reusing plastic water bottles. If you refill them with the toxic city water you will die a horrible death screaming in agony. However, if you freeze city water in the bottles you will die even if you touch the bottle -- instantly.
Don't eat meat. Don't use child seats on grocery carts. Stay out of the sun. Baby proof your home with an expert. Bowling shoes, forget it. The nut bowl at a party or the bar is a death trap ad nauseam.
We are in danger of lapsing into a frame of mind that will prevent us from even getting out of bed in the morning if it weren't for those danged dust mites and bed bugs.
Larry grew up north of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School. He lives in Plainfield and can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or (317) 839-7656. Write him at 6860 Sunrise Drive, Plainfield, Ind., 46168. He has written five books.
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