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Thursday, July 31, 2014

'I bet everyone in heaven gets a guinea pig'

Posted Monday, November 7, 2011, at 2:31 PM

My column today is an orthography quilt. There are few things more aesthetically appealing than a hand-sewn quilt. I can sit and contemplate some that we have and go back in time remembering the dresses, pajamas, shirts and other items of apparel that my family has worn over the years. A veritable gallimaufry of life events. Today's quilt should warm you a bit.

This is a wonderful day. As I write this column I just want to sop up the day in one of BW's huge biscuits and eat it. Fall, more formally autumn, is one of my four favorite seasons of the year.

The more time I have behind me it seems like life, like a sailboat fighting the wind, seems to push me backward in time to a time and place where the waters seemed more calm, the wind less boisterous and the sun's rays more languid and warm. The past is a warm and pleasant place to visit but I don't want to live there. The present presents too many benefits to give up.

In a bit of biting sarcasm and insight, Jay Leno said recently, "As the economy lags, the army is getting more selective. They announced this week that they will no longer accept drug addicts and felons. So if you are a drug addict or a felon, you're not welcomed in the U.S. Army. The good news: There's always the NBA, the NFL, show business, and congress." I want to add the legislature.

I read on the Internet recently that a church, the 1st Parish Unitarian Universalist Church, in Massachusetts needed money. They were launching a fundraising campaign. Only they were not going to have a capital campaign for contributions, sell magazines, have a chili supper or bake sale, they were much more creative. They made a calendar of naked men, their own members, and sold them. I'm sure that is getting rave reviews form the Pearly Gates he said sarcastically.

Readers know that BW and I have two wonderful granddaughters and I write about them periodically. Recently our daughter shared this story about our 5-year-old Tess dubbed Tessaroo the Buckaroo by her older sister.

"We were making one more errand on what as supposed to be a short errand day. Tess was weary of it all, but she wasn't suffering too badly while eating ice cream in the car. So I said, 'You know what, Tess? I bet in heaven there aren't any errands. I bet in heaven you don't have to do any work or run errands. You just sing and play and read'." "Yeah," she answered. "And," I continued, "I bet everyone in heaven gets a guinea pig." "Yes, you're right," she laughed and laughed. "And since you already have a guinea pig, I bet you get a second one!" "Yes, a second guinea pig," she laughed. Silence followed as she contemplated it all. Then she said, "You know what, mommy? If you go to Hell, you get a skunk."

Larry Vandeventer grew up North of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State University. He can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or 317-839-7656. Write him at 6860 Sunrise Drive, Plainfield, IN 46168. He has written five books. Contact him to purchase them.


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Dear Mr. Vandeventer,

I just wanted to say thank you for giving me my first smile and chuckle of the day.

-- Posted by Miss Lori on Mon, Nov 28, 2011, at 10:43 AM


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