Sarah, who reads my column in the Martinsville Reporter-Times, alerted me to an article on the Internet that was titled, "Ten things you should not say to a person who is overweight."
Is this a subtle hint to watch my language when I speak to those who are euphemistically described as hefty, robust, chubby, husky, big boned, curvy, full figured, a walking cheese ball, taller lying down than standing up, urban sumo, buffet king, gravitationally challenged, plus size, and my favorite was on the box of a purchase I made at the Big and Tall Store that said, "For the man of dimension. It is not true. I do not weigh as much as the world's largest boar at the State Fair.
Those items were interesting but here are mine: Do you buy your clothing in an abandoned warehouse in an undeveloped part of the city where they sell clothing by the pound? If you were in Rhode Island would you have to cross over into Massachusetts to turn around? I'll bet you are the third largest state in the USA behind Alaska and Texas.
When you step on the scale in the doctor's office does it state, "No livestock please." Do you have to buy two seats on an airplane? When you go to a baseball game do you sit next to everyone?
When you go to a buffet restaurant does the manager have to call in back-up chefs? Is there a stampede by other diners to get in line ahead of you? Do your Dr. School's arch supports only last two weeks? When you visited Mr. Rushmore did the Park Rangers report that Washington's face had fallen off the mountain?
When is your due date? I asked a lady that question and she kicked my shin so hard that I was unable to walk for a week. I will likely always walk with a limp as Grandpa McCoy did.
Have you been selling your dresses to the drag racing teams for use as decelerating parachutes over the Labor Day Races in Clermont? You are so fat that when you lie on the beach the lifeguard asks, "Would you please move, the tide is waiting to come in." Do you iron your pants on the driveway? When you put on your BVD shorts do they stretch and spell boulevard? Do you have your own area code and zip code?
I'll bet your mother-in-law has to take a train, two busses and a taxi to get on your good side. Were you baptized at Sea World? If you sat on the roof of a Wal-Mart building you would lower the prices.
Do you avoid things that make you look fat such as scales, mirrors, and photographs? Did you begin to print a picture of yourself at Walgreen's last week and it is still printing? When you go camping do the bears hide their food? You have so many chins you appear to be looking at me over a stack of pancakes. This has been a Public Service Announcement. We now return you to our regular programming.
My website Larryvandeventer.com - Read about me, my books, and my columns. Larry Vandeventer grew up North of Calvertville on a farm and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State U. He can be reached at Goosecrick@aol.com or 317-839-7656.