My annual physical check up with Dr. Avoirdupois did not go well.
Miss Starchy said sweetly, “The first thing we do is take our weight.” Isn’t it annoying how so many medical staffers use that term “we?” I chuckled and said, “After you Miss Oleaginous of 2017.” She was not amused. They have one of those dual scales with voice activation and screen features. The screen lit up and a message appeared that stated, “Unable to determine weight. Please go to the nearest Farm Bureau COOP Grain Elevator or a convenient weigh station on the Interstate where 18-wheelers are weighed.”
I knew I had gained weight because when I am in a crowd people tend to hit my stomach and sustain internal injuries. Our home-owners policy has a rider to cover hit and run accidents in crowds.
I didn’t realize that my weight gain was so dramatic until the township, city and county road departments pooled their funding to construct a round-a-bout around me. I have to carry one of those fluorescent red, triangular slow moving vehicle signs like the Amish have to put on their buggies.
Traveling the Interstate I have to have an escort car with flashing yellow caution lights and a sign that states, “Wide load going down the road.” In metropolitan areas I must engage a police escort with flashing lights and cannot exceed 30 MPH.
When BW and I eat out, some restaurants we frequent require me to call ahead so they can quickly add emergency serving staff. Harold’s “Saw Mill Gravy Over Everything Even Gravy and Biscuits” Eat-a-torium requires that I order online so they can contact their supply house, “Beefalos Are Us, Inc,” to insure they have enough food in stock.
When I stop in a large box store to examine merchandise or to look in a window at a store in Mallgolia, I am required to place orange traffic cones around me to prevent being rear ended by onrushing shoppers or being T-boned by those leaving Kroger. During the Christmas Season rush especially during “Black Friday” and “Get Out Of My Way Wednesday” and during “Back To School Sales,” I deploy two orange breasted arm wavers carrying signs that say “Stop” on one side and “Slow” on the other to direct traffic around me.
I became so concerned with my condition that I asked Dr. Avoirdupois to refer me to a specialist in the field. I am now seeing Dr. Obese, recent graduate from the KFC Medical School in Tubby, TN, who specialized in Culinary Arts and Fine Dining and Sumo Wrestling in the College of Fatty Arbuckle. He has prescribed a new food regime for me. He and his assistants Dr. Chunky and Dr. E. Normous performed a surgical procedure on my esophagus and installed a restriction plates such as those used by NASCAR to limit the speed on their cars. Plus, his other assistants Dr. Cor Pulent and Dr. Plump installed a device similar to those plastic perimeters that are required at construction sites and road building projects to limit erosion. Now I can eat what I want how much I want any time I want I just can’t swallow it.
Larry Vandeventer. Go to my two websites – Larryvandeventer.com and wjrambler1956.com – and purchase my books. I grew up North of Calvertville and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State. Contact me at Goosecrick@aol.com or 317-839-7656.