A man walked into a bar and said, “Ouch, that hurts.” Why a bar, why not a barber shop? Grocery store? Farm equipment dealership? Taxidermy shop?
What did one Thai say to the other? “I don’t know, I don’t speak Thai.”
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One says, “Wow! It’s hot in here.” The other says, “Sure is, probably 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
One owl said to the other, “How many times do I have to tell you? It’s whom!”
A rhinoceros walked into a beauty salon. Several of the patrons quickly got up and left realizing the potential danger in the situation. Not as funny.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor? “I wonder where my tractor is.”
Why is “6” afraid of “7?” It is not. Numbers aren’t sentient (emotional) and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Want to hear something that will make you smile? Yes? Your face muscles.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody? A lot. They were in three movies and a couple of short films together.
A Priest, a Rabbi and a Hindu Holy Man walked into a bar. The bartender said, “What is this, a joke?”
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “Okay, I will serve you but you better not start anything.”
A Baptist Minister, a nun and a Swami walked into a bar. They all got drunk because American bars are required to serve people of all religions.
What is a vampire’s favorite food? Vampires are not real.
What do they call cheese that isn’t yours? Disavowing the current TV ad it is not nachos. It is called stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it in its original form.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What is black and white and red all over? Because of the explosive and expansive nature of the universe many objects and substances both natural and manufactured could be thusly described.
What is a pirates’ favorite letter of the alphabet? None. Historians generally accept the principle that most pirates were likely illiterate.
Mason Jarr, all 6’8” and 350 pounds walks into a bar and gets treated with great respect since most people are afraid of him. Not as funny.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg? Officer.
Two Hillbillies were visiting downtown Indy for the first time. As they stood on the circle rubbernecking at the buildings and the Soldiers and Sailor’s Monument, a couple from Europe approached them and asked: “Parlez-vous francais?” [Do you speak French] Nothing. “Sprechen sie Deutsch?” [Do you speak German] Nothing. “Habla usted espanol?” [Do you speak Spanish] Nothing. The Hoosiers just shrugged and the mystified couple left. “Think about it,” Noah Scape said, “We should consider learning a foreign language.” “Why?” Said Jay Walker, “They know three and it didn’t do them any good.”
BW, my editor supremo, read this and said, “I don’t get it.” I explained and she looked at me as if I had just vomited on her shoes.
[Larry Vandeventer. Go to my website – Larryvandeventer.com – and purchase my books or Amazon.com. I grew up North of Calvertville and graduated from Worthington High School and Indiana State. Contact me at Goosecrick@aol.com or 812.631.5790]